That smile right there…yeah, it hides a whole lot of frustration, embarrassment and just plain “I should just give up & quit this shit” attitude.
I crossed that finish line sobbing, in pain and DEAD ASS LAST….FUGGING AGAIN!! I was just so sick and GAWD DANG TIRED of (in my mind) failing, putting in so much damn work and choking at game time, of letting all the people that support me/believe in me down. I felt like a big fat ass embarrassment to my friends/family and to the whole damn sport.
I was so sick and GAWD DANG TIRED of watching all my tri-friends, MMTC friends, RipIt Teammates crush it and I just bring up the MFn rear with a cheer and a smile. FUG THAT!
I was so sick and GAWD DANG TIRED of watching and hearing about people learning to swim and/or ride a bike and then in 9 month bust out a full IM and in 3 years I have a medical DNF and 2 barely finish at a 70.3. SON OF A BEYOTCH!!!
Why is this thing – triathlon – so damn hard for me? That type A, borderline OCD/perfectionist in me cried for 2 days, railing at the heavens, wanting to quit – and I have NEVER QUIT at ANYTHING – EVER! I have done well at pretty much everything I have put my mind to doing, so WHY, OH WHY, can’t I seem to put this triathlon thing together.
The FireMarshall did his best with giving me space to sob and wallow in my own misery and self-pity for a hot second, but forced me to not make any rash decisions (like sell my bike) until I talk to some people that I respect and have more “perspective” that I could possibly have while swimming in my own misery pool.
By Tuesday after the race, I got sufficiently sick and tired of reapplying my makeup every time I burst into the self-pity tears, that I contacted my soul sister, Ovetta, and she helped get me get out of that nasty pool I was swimming in. Funny thing…most of what she said, I already knew :
- This journey is MY journey and no one else.
- STOP looking at, comparing myself to other people. I don’t know their journey. Worry about me and mine – WORRY BOUT YOURSELF!!! YOU DRIVE!
- Set some very specific BHAG’s (BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOALS). No more of those nebulous,non-specific goals like “Finish”.
She also told me I needed to share this story. I needed to be transparent AND accountable. I wasn’t even going to write anything. I was still embarrassed. Who would want to hear about the “Finisher” race report. What lessons about the race could I possible share that would be of any help. She said someone is always watching and someone is out there with similar struggles that needs to know that it ain’t always sunshine, roses and instant success. OH and BTW – define YOUR success. I set the “goal” of finishing and I did. Moving the goal in the middle of the race and then getting all caught up in my feelings is kinda ridiculous, huh.
At the end of my “coming to Jesus” talk with Ovetta, she said, “I knew when you called that you had had enough of the just finish attitude. Now you are ready and are going to be a force to reckon with.”
I then met up with my RipIt Coaches and they already had some suggestions for attacking 2015 and I laid out my goals. Together we outlined a game plan. So, what are my goals you ask – Here are the 3 MBO’s (Major Business Objectives)
- Lose 40lbs – yep, its true. I’m waay over weight. It is a lot easier to haul a small bootie up and down hills on the bike and to have less strain & pain on these old lady knees, ankles and feet. No more wide load flags on the back of the bike.
- Build Strength – I’m a weakling…but not for long. I have the endurance & cardiovascular strength to go on forever like that energizer bunny, but I don’t have the upper body strength or leg strength to sustain those efforts. The upper body and legs muscles just give out to quickly. I knew it at the Rebel Race pulling, climbing and what not on that obstacle course that I felt weak and didn’t have the strength to climb a damn rope…but I ignored it or was in denial. NOT AGAIN!
- 7 1/2 hour 70.3 PERIOD. END OF CONVERSATION
Of course there are Swim/Bike/Run specific goals underlying the three MBO’s, but you get the idea. It is time to GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
As for the race…
I swam. It was uneventful. A lot slower that I had set for myself, but I got out of the water feeling good about it. There was the usual touching, grabbing, hitting that happens in every OWS race. I didn’t like the approx. 200m swim to the start AT ALL. I loved the wetsuit strippers.
I biked. A beautiful, scenic course but the road conditions were HORRIBLE. They did mark the big ass potholes and hazards, but the numerous small holes in the pavement and then the resulting debris (bottles, CO2 cartridges, chain pieces) made the course rather scary (for me). I stopped counting at around 15 flats and crashes combined. As a result, I believe I choked on the course and reduced my speed as I didn’t want to deal with a flat or a crash. I let fear get the best of me.
I ran. THAT DAMN FOOT! This time it wasn’t my neuroma that flared up. I found out later that I probably have a stress fracture in my heel and that was what the pain was from. GTFOOHWTBS. I have decided to let go of the Army 10miler and MCM to heal…Doing them and making the stress facture worse would not advance my goals. My feelings are hurt, but mission first.
As most of you know. I live my life out loud. I will be keeping you posted of my progress and I look forward to you guys keeping me accountable.
I AM RELENTLESS –
I will let no setback, obstacle or challenge get in the way of achieving a noteworthy goal.
