UPDATE: Princess Cara's Garden

We are gonna have watermelons & peppers! This little container garden
business is fun. Maybe next year I'll build a box garden of
respectable size. I ain't tillin' no soil. Weeding, yes. (get the kids
to do it). Tilling the ground - hell to the naw.




This has to be one of Geico's best and funniest commercials. I scream every time I see it.


Princess Cara Goes To The Beach


TravelDiva Rant #626

I am a person of my word. If I can't do something, be somewhere - whatever - then I just say I can't do it. If I tell you I'm CAN do something, be somewhere and so forth, then you don't have to check up on me, confirm, double confirm, send me a billion reminders - I SAID IT. I'M GOING TO DO IT.


It yanks my chain, gets my panties all in a bunch and makes me otherwise not such a nice lady, when people say they can do something and then they come up with excuses as to why they now can't, just don't do it - no show, do the thing in question all half the fugg azzed, and/or - the worst - get all fuggin snarky with you about what it is they said they can do but actually can't.


I sent a text to a friend asking if they could talk for a bit. Reply was yes. They call ME. Put me on speakerphone and they get snarky about how they can't really hear me and I'm breaking up. They hang up on me. Mkay. I call back and ask "Did you have me on speakerphone?"

"Yes, I'm busy trying to do a bunch of stuff, so I put you on speakerphone so I could type, look at the computer and talk to you."

WTF? I replied, "Well, if you were so busy then why did you say you could talk. Nevermind then. I talk to you later."

Then they wanted to tap dance about how they were busy & not feeling well & busy, but can listen while I talk - "So, talk." they said.

I tried to be polite and ask about how THEY were feeling and what THEY were working on and I get a snarky response - "I don't feel like answering a lot of questions, so just talk."

After a few pleasantries, I got the hell off the phone.

HUMPH. You knew damn well that you didn't feel like talking. You knew damn well you had a gazillion other things to do. SO, WHY NOT DAT HELL JUST REPLY TO MY TEXT "NO, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW. CALL YOU LATER" or something.

Don't get snarky with me cause you LET me interrupt whatever the hell you were doing when all you had to say was NO. What part of that is difficult...the N or the O. Hmmmm.

And another thing - don't tell me about how you are just an azz when you're not feeling well - that is just an excuse to exercise bad behavior. Excuses are like belly buttons too - everybody friggin has them. The trick is to learn to be polite when you know you have a azz hole trigger or learn to say NO (or otherwise keep from general public until such trigger is in check).

This ends my rant. Grrrrrrr.

I hope you feel better. When you do, then I hope we can talk again.

...OH! And that teen heffa that came into my home and said that she thought my kitten and his litter box in the basement bathroom was disgusting CAN USE THE BATHROOM AT HER OWN FUGGIN HOUSE...and in the words of The FireMarshall, can get the fugg out our house and stay out. My kitten LIVES HERE and is family and has his own covered bathroom in the bathroom. YOU DON'T. GTFOOHWTBS.

I hate some of those damn spoiled azz, pop off at the mouth any ole friggin way ain't never got their azz beat kids.

I swear ya'll gonna have to come bail me out of Jessup. I'm gonna shank a mofo in a minute.

Where is my tazer?


New Job Randoms from The TravelDiva

I got me a new gig as the Director of Sales for a Healthcare Technology type company. It's a small company so I'm more like the jack of all trades (Dir of Sales, Marketing, Training).

I am having a blast.

There is one MAJOR adjustment - after being in pharma sales for 20 years and never having to be in the same place all the time, having to report to an office for a 9-5 gig is just a major drag.

I have to now plan what to wear EVERY day. You see, as an outside sales rep, I could put on the same dag on suit (if I wanted) for the week - maybe change the blouse - because the same person never saw me twice in the week. Now I gotta THINK about what I'm gonna put on and thus far, I have been over dressed every day.

I just don't know how to do business casual - that includes jeans on any particular day of the week. The Queen Mother, who has worked in an office environment for over 30 years, volunteered to help me out.

Lunch. I have never, ever had to think about what I was eating for lunch. I was either providing a lunch at an inservice or taking a client out or something. Now, I got to pack myself a lunch - EVERYDAY - cause I'll be damned if I'm spending $10 a day downstairs at Joe's Deli and I ain't eating Taco Hell, KY Fat Chicken or ButBuster King either (which is within walking distance).

I am WAAAAY to organized and efficient and need to figure out how to slow my roll. You asked me to create a survey, send it to all the existing clients and get a response in time to compile a report for a corporate sponsor - we need this back in the next two weeks. Okay. I cranked that puppy out and sent it out to the first client, cc'ing the Executive Director.

She freaked. "Leeeeesa! I didn't expect you to do it so fast. I want to review all the questions first. OMG! Leeesa! I love you but you work so fast. Okay, don't send anymore out....blah, blah, blah....I'll get back to you tomorrow."

She don't know who she hired, does she?

Today I did the survey, called 15 clients, designed all the materials and brochures for an upcoming conference in July, designed the layout for the display stand and podium (which we don't have YET) and a few more random things all before 2pm.

That means I got plenty of time to occassionally play on FB, Twitter and catch up on my Google Reader. I have to remember to clear my history every day though. It NONE YA BEES WAX what I do with my time.

I have an assistant. DA HELL I'm supposed to do with an assistant. Today I had her take a tape measure and draw me a diagram of the office because we need to install 4 new cubicles (which I was asked to plan and design). That damn diagram was like an architechs rendering.

Now what to give her to do?

It is SOOOOOO friggin quiet in this offfice that I had to bring in a set of speakers so I could listen to the radio off my iPhone. Let's make some noise up in here.

I don't get paid enough, but the money will come when you are doing something you love...and I'm having the best time EVER in 20 years in the sales game.


Becca is a Triathlete!

Today, Becca completed her 1st EVER Triathlon!!!! Talk about proud. We acted a plum fool over this so much that GBaby and I were looking at each other and saying, "Why da hell WE crying?" But cry we did. I cried when Becca go in the water, held my breath the whole time she swam and when she got out of the water with her usual cheesin' grin, I lost it. I was boo hoo'in.

We couldn't boo hoo long cause I had to hump it from the swim area to the first place we could see her on the bike and as I reviewed the map I realized that if we didn't haul azz ourselves, we would miss her at 23rd & Virginia Ave. Robin & I ran from the far side of the Lincoln Memorial and up 23rd, realized that she was going to go under us, hauled through a park with two men doing "yoga?", hurdled the fence and made it with minutes to spare. GBaby & Pier fast walked it and made it just in time to see her go past.

Another Cheese Eatin' Grin. Becca was making this thing look easy.

We went up to GW Hospital, bathroom check & a Star.b.ucks break and we jumped on the metro to Federal Triangle to catch Becca at about the 1 mile mark on Constitution & 12th. We got there about 10 minutes before she turned the corner.

Cheese Eatin' Grin.

While she did the 2.1 more miles, the four of us humped down to the Finish and posted up for the grand finale.

And I started bawling again and couldn't hold the video camera steady enough to get video of the finish but I managed still pics.

Becca crossed the finish line at about 2hours 15 min with that grin that has suckered me into a many crazy things. She made it look like she could do it again right then and there.

Great Job Becca!!!!! YOU ARE A TRIATHLETE.

Well...I Finished

That is the best I can say about my showing at The Baltimore 10 Miler...I Finished...and DAMN PROUD OF IT TOO! I wasn't fast and I wasn't last. I finished 1687 out of 1811 women (in the top 93% - BWAAAAHAAAHAAA!!!) with a 5 mile split of 1:07:36 and a finish of 2:15:25. That's a 13:33 pace. YEP - slow as cold molasses but those hills were DOOOSIES!

The only thing that kept me going - especially at mile 8 1/2 when I looked up (see pic below) and that last 1 1/2 mile was totally up hill and I just wanted to say FUGG IT, CRY, and just mosey my way back - was my Pick-Up Pal, Tom. Pick-Up Pal is a "Global Rideshare Community" that the organizers of the Baltimore 10 miler used as a way to get us runners to carpool as parking was a premium at the Maryland Zoo where we started. Tom say my message that I was a driver and had space, contacted me and I had a buddy. Knowing that Tom was waiting for me at the Finish Line kept me moving.

...And he was right there at the finish waiting with a hug. He was a really nice young man - rising Senior at Towson studying Public Relations - not another potential axe murderer as my husband fondly describes many of my "FB & Blog" friends. Thanks, Tom, for the company, the hug and the support. I felt a little alone the night before having nobody on the course with me that I knew, but my Pick-Up Pal made it all okay.

Next up...the Rockville 8k Twilight Run Fest in July. WHEW!


Why Do I Do This To Myself

Well, tomorrow is the Baltimore 10 Miler. I haven't really trained
like I should have, haven't run more than 6 miles at a time, I'm still
slow as cold friggin molasses and let's not even talk about hills. The
damn death of me.

I could bow out with all my excuses, but naw...I've manned up and
decided that slow and steady - I can do anything. I might average
12:30 miles, but so be it. I'll finish.

Think of me between 7:30 and 9 am tomorrow. I'll need all the good
vibes I can get.

Baby Bangs!

Baby Bangs?! DA HELL! GTFOOH with this crazy mess. I am just DONE! A hair piece for bald babies?! For real doh?!

Don't let me catch not near damn one of you with this mess on you childs head. EVER!

My kidneys hurt from laughing at this mess. Just let me catch one of you...and don't EVEN get mad when I snatch you baby wig off. You know you are wrong.

...and now I know that this whole working in an office with your own big azz computer and the ability to multi-task and do more than one thing at a time is gonna be the my undoing. STOP posting this stuff (Kelly) and GET OUT OF MY INBOX.

Perhaps I should just log off?


First Harvest

Princess Cara and I harvested the green beans today! GO US!

I HATE to Brag...

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in High School.

I'm just sayin'. Don't hate.

...P.S. I need my friends to stay out of my inbox. I work in an office now and people can hear me bust a gut. I still haven't mastered the inside voice. That means you, KS


UPDATE: Princess Cara's Garden

Although we lost the broccoli - who knew you were supposed to pick it
before it bloomed, HUMPH, it wasn't worth picking - it looks like we
just might have a bountiful harvest after all.

We added Miracle Grow to our watering routine this time. I'm kinda
skerred I'll wake up tomorrow to mutant ninja plants.

AND NO, Terri, I will NOT be getting goats now.

Mom's Views from Senior Week

I'm back home from being the Kool-Aid Momma for Senior Week. I survived, but I'm tired as hell. The kids were great, well behaved (for the most part) but ya know I had to sleep with one eye open and both ears open to keep things on the up and up.

I only had to Release the Kracken a couple of times and like I said before, the "good" kids snapped to and corrected their ill advised ways while the ones who were looking for trouble scattered like roaches. I really hate saying this, but while managing 15-20 teens as well as the riff raff that came in from locations all around OC, I noticed that there is a significant difference in how black & white kids are raised and their reactions to discipline. You see, for the most part, the black kids are accustomed to getting yelled at, threatened with violence, beat down and respond accordingly with a "Yes, Ma'am" and behavior adjustment. The majority of white kids (except the ones with crazy azz white momma's like mine) look at you like you violated them, they want to talk back, give you the side eye and rebel more. They don't know that kind of bullish will only make a Momma like me INSANE and start crackin' skulls. I thought it was a fluke, but I had to warn way to many white kid that if I got another o_O about my instructions I would poke said eye out of the socket.

Go figure.

The other thing that just sent me over the moon, was these young girls thinking that there are absolutely no consequences to ho'in. That little hookah that decided to stay out all night with her MAN after explicit instructions were given that we were rolling out at 10am and if you ish wasn't packed then you was gonna get left didn't know who she was dealing with. I told them kids to put her shyat in a trash bag and leave it on the deck...if she ain't here, let her momma come pick her up for her MAN's crib somewhere in OC. DA HELL I LOOK LIKE.

Humph. One of the other girls was all sympathetic (yeah, I bet I know why wit your stank azz attitude and behavior too) and begged the Prince to go and pick her up. You BEST be glad he was raised right and showed some mercy cause if I was doing the driving (I was staying for the day with the Queen Mother) that heffa woulda been left 'splaining to her mother why she was not sleeping where she was supposed to be.

HO'ISH BEHAVIOR HAS CONSEQUENCES. I'm gonna need some of you little suziQ play ho's to wise up.

Why are girls just always require HARD AZZ lessons & a beat down. JEEZE.

The boys (Prince Jordan & his crew and Charlee's crew) that were on the trip all achieved their Young Men Badges. I was impressed by their respectful behavior, cleanliness & chivalry. These boys were raised right. They can be rowdy, loud and dabble in a little bit of shenanigans but if I gave any of them the o_O , scolded or asked them to do something - they were on top of it like stink on a dog.

I was so impressed. Why are boys just so much easier?

I got such a kick out of all the kids yelling - "MAAAAAHHHHHHMMMMMM!" in unison whenever I showed up. I'd be walking on the beach to try and take pictures or they'd catch me on the boardwalk and everyone would turn around like - DA HELL? All dem kids hers?. Funny.

All in all, I had a good time. Nobody got hurt. Everybody arrived alive...and they are still talking, telling stories and laughing about Senior Week 2010. I'm glad they had fun and it was my exhausted pleasure to be a chaperon.

Enjoy this video of some of my pictures from the week.


Random Thoughts from the Kool-Aid Momma

I am in Ocean City acting as the Den Mother to 15 18year old kids that just graduated from high school. Senior Week will be the death of me.

This is my second year at this...and I know why no other parent wanted to do the duty. It wasn't cause of work or whatnot. They just didn't want to see and deal with all these teens.

Fortunately, I can be equally the Nice Lady & that Crazy MF'n Lady you don't want to fugg with.

I love overhearing the kids say, "Don't fugg wit Ms. Steptoe, ya know she was in the Army and shyt. She'll fugg you up."

Damn Skippy.

I have been contributing to the deliquency of minors though. So shoot me.

Youth is wasted on the young. WASTED.

It amazes me how many young kids, especially girls, don't have a mother that will speak da truff to their face. Why did I have "church" up in here with some random girls and they were eating it up and asking questions like it was 1st time knowledge.

SMH. Gather round, girls, gather round.

I'm falling in love with some of the young men that are here. Young, yet respectful. Yes, Ma'am. Please. Let me get that for you, Ms. Steptoe. The young men are doing all the cleaning and keeping things straight. I am duly impressed. Some of these boys have been raised right.

Or, they have the fear of Ms. Steptoe in 'em.

I had to "Kirk Out" (new term?) tonight when the PO-LICE showed up taking about keeping it down. I went da hell off. And I mean like Bl.air Wit.ch friggin crazy off. I told them that if they couldn't keep it down then the party would be turned into a friggin (and I used the real curse word) boot camp and I'd be body slammin mofo's like they was my personal PT byatch. I'd make the Ar.my S.tro.ng look like pussies.

Maaaaannnnn. They calmed down PDQ. The riff raff left.

BTW...I did 25 clicker board pushups to the shock and awe of my charges at the Ar.my St.ron.g traveling show, got me my t-shirt and then flew an Apache in the simulator. HUMPH. I still got it.

I may be short. I may be plump...but I'm FIT FINE...and modest. Something that can not be said of 98% of the teens here in OC and several of the women of a certain age hanging here this week.

I'm just gonna say NO to the women over 40/50 with cellulite & vericose veins. Just cause your are thin does NOT mean it is okay to wear that bikini and let us see your sagging skin, veins and cellulite. It's nasty. You ARE NOT cute. AT ALL.

I'm just saying.

IlaGator and the Queen Mother are joining me here tomorrow. Now this should be fun.


Charlee's Graduation


23 Years Ago Today...

...I married my friend. Happy Anniversary! It still is a wonderful

We Choose Love.


The Scare

Last night I took Princess Cara to a Soccer League Tryout...doing my Soccer Mom thingy...and everything was just hunky dory. I had my lounge chair & book; I looked up at the appropriate moments to cheer and give encouragement; I gave the o_O to the soccer parents that needed a Valium (it ain't that damn serious); I chit chatted with the "normal" parents.

Cara came off the field during a break and said that her chest hurt and that she felt tired. I thought maybe she just had a stitch or cramp. We sat it out a turn, did some stretches, drank some water and she wanted to go back in. I let her. She was playing 2 on 2 and all of a sudden slowed down. Her knees buckled, hit the ground and she fell face first into the grass.

I was like a rocket out of the launcher going across the field to get to Cara. She was face down and when I rolled her over - her eyes were upon but she was unresponsive. I rubbed her sternum (maybe she knocked the wind out of her) to see if I could get a response and after a few seconds she started to look around and then started wailing.

I simply don't recall how in the world I was so calm.

We immediately went to Howard County General (which was about 1 mile away) and we began the journey to figure out what happened.

EKG, heart monitor, blood work, and a chest x-ray. After a little screaming over having her blood drawn, the nurse gave her this huge stuffed bear and we were graced with that a beautiful toothless smile. All the tests and NOTHING. Which is actually a good thing. I'm glad everything came back negative, but I also want to know why my baby fell out like that. The ER doc insisted that we take Princess Cara to a Pediatric Cardiologist and even made an appointment for us for 9 am this morning.

...did I mention we also had Princess Charlee's graduation today too. I'm running on fumes & Makers Mark right now...

Cara had another EKG & an Echo at the cardiologist and everything looked fine. However, because they don't like it (NOT GOOD) when kids just pass out during exertion the cardiologist wants to do a exercise stress test on Cara to try and recreate the event to isolate the cause. SIGH.

Princess Cara is running round the house talking about how "FUN" the 'ologist is and that she gets to play on his toys & video games. Uh Huh.

I'm glad she is doing okay and back to her usual mini-diva self. She sure has a knack for being a drama queen. She has the FireMarshall at her beck and call (prolly already had that) - she is definitely working the pout & doe eye "I'm sick" look. HUMPH.

I want to thank all of my friends and family (including my FB & Twitter fam) for all the prayers and well wishes - for the calls and texts. They kept me grounded & focused when I could have easily been a basket case. I'm still running on adrenaline and alcohol. ER, Graduation, Work, Graduation Party, Graduation Parties to attend and our Anniversary. The show must go on. Without all of you - I know it would be/have been unbearable.

Princess Cara is blowing kisses at everyone. "I feel better, Mommy!"

I think we are gonna give Karate and/or Dance a whirl this time.