Happiness Consultant

So, I'm hanging in my chaise, catching up on my Google Reader & Tweets (all at the same time, with like 4 windows open at once) and I catch this this from - @CreoleInDC: HOLLARING! http://www.happinessconsultants.com/.

I'm not doing anything so I go and check it out. Here is the video from the website.

At first, slow me is like ARE THEY SERIOUS...and then it dawns on me that this is about the new show "Hung" on HBO. However, even though I know that curiosity killed the cat, I had to dial the number and call to get a consult. I want to be "happy" too.

Bwaaaaahaaaahaaa! The number actually works. Now you get an answering machine but here is some of the hilarity you get to listen to:

Beep...Go!

Hi, This is Ray, but you can call me whatever....BEEP

I know you a woman of discriminating taste...this is silly...BEEP

If you like em hung, you'll like how I'm hanging...this is really stupid (no, you're doing great)...BEEP

I perform Sexual Acts (you're reading it wrong)....BEEP

I offer, you recieve...BEEP

Moaning guaranteed...BEEP

I can meet you this Sunday @ 10pm on HBO...BEEP

TWO DROPS OF PEE FUNNY. I now HAVE to tune it. HEEEE-LAAAAR-IOUS!!!!!

Live Blogging "24"

*So...let's see how JACK whoops da hell out of "the most deadliest biological weapon known to man". Yeah, whatever...that biological weapon hasn't met JACK.

* "You need to get undressed" OH LAWD, PLEEEEESE.

* Can we at least have a looksie? COME ON!

* Could Cloe please come back and slap the ish outta what's her name - the fake computer geek.

* "Know the psychology of your subject." Good information, multiple uses.

* HOLD ON TONY! You've been through worse.

* Jon Voight has made some serious comebacks in the past few years. Really got the bad guy down pat pretty good.

* The Presidents daughter is the biggest conniving Byatch on the face of the planet. I HATE HER and hope she gets busted soon. NOOOOOOO!!!! You can't trust that heffa.

* Everything on 24 is imminent, immediate, urgent, "NO TIME". Does anyone ever have time to go to the bathroom.

* Why is The FireMarshall poking me and other FB stuff while I am watching/blogging 24 tonight. I WILL SHANK HIS AZZ if he keeps it up. HUMPH!

* I gotta get that clock thing as a ring tone.

* Oh, yeah...she has the hots for JACK too or am I the only one who is seeing this while this guy begs for her back. Uh Huh.

* You can't even say you trust yourself, BYATCH!

* OMG. His ears are HUGE! Let's add catastrophic to the list.

* OH SYHAT! What da hell now. The traitor want to go good now that it has gotton "complicated" and "gone to far". SERIOUSLY. Always a twist, huh. Not quite defibulator status yet, but I'm charging it.

* OH LAWD...throwing myself down...my baby is infected. I wanna touch my boo's scars. She should have hugged him. He looked like he need a hug...or more.

* I got a BAAAAD feeling about this. It is never this easy. Poor JACK. You know if Jack is not there then awful things happen. He probably gonna go anyway. BET.

* Ya know...Tony is hot too...in an moody, bad boy kinda way. SIGH.

* "Let's do it, dammit."; "Copy That"; Famous Last Words: "We're good to go."

* Why is that baztard looking so smug. Told you it was waay to easy. Sometin ain't right. WHERE IS JACK!!!! WHAT! Jack is still at FBI. It's a trap, has to be. GET THEM OUTTA THERE! Told ya. SHOOT THAT LYING MO-FO. Time for a little torture.

* I HATE it when I'm right. BAAAAZZZZZTAAARDS.

* As my daugter said...Now Jack has to go and rescue the FBI from a government funded Military compound with weapons of mass destruction... Such a simple task... I mean damn.... Can this be a challenge pls...LOL

Why I am Additcted to Jack Bauer

I stole some of these from various other places but every single one is EVERY SINGLE THING...cause Jack Bauer is the MAN...MY MAN...and if you mess with me, I'll sic Jack on you and have him torture your dumb azz with a ball point pen.

I am addicted because:

- Jack can convince just about anybody to show up with a weapons package & survelliance kit with no questions asked. That is the kind of Top Mafia I want.

- Jacks Top Mafia consists of some of the smartest, finest BADAZZES in the world: Cloe - computer tech extrodinarie; Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce; Tony Almeida...and there are some many others.

- Jack NEVER misses. If he didn't hit you then he was trying to hit another terroist 12 miles away.

- If Jack wanted you DEAD, you would already BE DEAD and unable to read this. So sit the eff down.

- Killing Jack Bauer does NOT make him dead. It just makes him VERY angry.

- When you open a can of Whoop Ass - Jack Bauer jumps out.

- If you send someone to kill Jack, the only thing you accomplish is giving him an new arsenal of weapons to kill YOU with.

- Jack was never addicted to Heroin - Heroin was addicted to Jack. PERIOD.

- Jack NEVER needs to sleeps. He takes care of that when he is knocked out or temporarily dead.

- Superman (and for that matter, ALL superhero's) wear Jack Bauer pajamas.

- Jack thinks faster under pressure than a speeding bullet, is smarter (and also has a rugged chexiness) than James Bond, and has access to more technical/electronic gadgets than Bill Gates.

- Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours and Ben would have BEEN dead in the first 2 hours. Probably Jack Sheppard too for being such a pussy when it comes to Ben and getting off the island. He also would have given Sayid tourture pointers.

I'm addicted, so sue me.