Umm...No, I am not going to let you borrow my Nordstrom Card to let you buy a new dress for an event we are both going to. You are grown and have your own money. Use yours.

Man approaches me at O.ff.ice De.pot and asks if I'm Ethiopian. Umm...No. He then proceeds to ask if I am married..."Yes." He then says, "Darn, I really wanted to be your friend.

Umm....HELL NO!

I've raised to adulthood one of your kids (& still paying for college) and now raising a kindergartner with a her own set of "college like" expenses. You have NEVER contributed one dime to their care. You call me for money to put on your cell phone.

Umm...F&%K NO!

A colleague of mine does business with friend of mine who owns a company that makes promotional items and such. The friend does everything that was asked of her, including rushing the custom order & overnighting it...all at the persons request. Shocked by the cost of rush & overnighting the stuff (which you were warned about) the purchaser gets amnesia, then indignant and refuses to pay the bill...and we got our panties in a bunch 3 months later. Said purchaser also want to now say business owner "sucks."

Umm...No. You suck.

I love all those "Bod.y Ma.gic" promotions I see and how you are supposed to lose 3-5 inches instantly when you managed to stuff your rolls into this Victorian era torture device. I've tried one on and it is exactly as I've described...like subjecting your body to a torture by suffocation machine. Spanx or a Body Shaper - Yes. I am a firm believer in the proper underpinnings (as my GMa calls it). Bod.y Ma.gic at $140+....Umm...No. I have a surgical compression body suit that costs about $70 dollars and does just about the same damn thing...squeeze all the fat and blood up to your neck & down to your knees until they pop. Umm...No.

And BTW, I read one woman's testimonial regarding the torture device. She said that now her boyfriend would stop caller her fat now that she had the Bod.y Mag.ic.

Umm...No, darling...You are STILL fat and he's STILL gonna see all the fat especially when you manage to peel your body out of the contraption.

I have been shopping for Christmas, large ticket items when decorating or doing a DIY project...it has happened to me when traveling overseas. I've bought a bunch of stuff in various places and something triggers a flag (the amount, the location, the item) at Credit Card Fraud Center Central and BAM, my next purchase...credit card declined. I don't usually run around with a lot of credit cards so depending on what it is, I may or may not be able to complete the purchase at that time. Does that make me a dead beat? Does that mean I should turn in the H3 for a Honda or that I should downsize my home?


However, if you are in line with food stamps and WIC arguing with the cashier about why you can't purchase the junk food you have on the belt, pushing an Ed.die Bau.er stroller and driving an Escalade...Imma need you to rethink ALL of your purchases & stop wasting my tax dollars. Umm...Yep.

Umm...No, you can NOT speak to me any ole way you want to. You found out the heard way that I bite back, didn't ya?

Umm...No, you are not the sole authority on all things foreign & domestic. You are not the divine sole knowledge and authority of every single thing on the planet and/or the who, what, where, when, why or how of all things. You have your opinions. I have mine. Imma do as I please; what pleases me. Humph.

Umm...No. I am not Suzie Pushover; PTA Nazi. I'm The TravelDiva; Princess of Power and I'm not insulted if someone says "Your Momma wears combat boots." Thus, I don't give a rats azz that some of the other parents might be upset "that we walk Princess Cara to class, give her a hug & kiss and they don't get to." Tough shyat. I do what I want with my kids.

Umm...No. I will not "try to post things about other grads/classmates" instead of just my husband. He IS my classmate and as long as I have breath in my body, I will always be his biggest fan & promoter. Kick Rocks. Beat Navy.

Umm...No. I will not be rocking my hair wash & wear anymore. My hair has been "natural" for the past 4 years and it is straight with/or without a relaxer. I look like a wilder beast when I just rock it without the flat iron. NOT A GOOD LOOK AT ALL FOR ME. I wear my hair the way that makes me happy and all of the hair fanatics that think if you don't wear it by their definition of "natural" can kick rocks. I do what da hell I want.

Just Umm...No.

What you got?