Package Insert

I have spent the past 2 weeks studying all new products by reviewing and testing on package inserts. I'm about brain dead at this point; however, to entertain myself while sitting through another workshop, I started to think about what a package insert for Lisa would look like. Here it is:

Lisa's Package Insert

Lisa is a beautiful diva-like carbon based life form. Her chemical structure is complex and genetic code unique.
Mechanism of Action:
Lisa achieves diva status by increasing the action potential at the diva receptor sites in the brain.

Pharmacokinetics/Pharmacodynamics (Metabolism, Absorption, Distribution, Elimination):
Steady State for Alcohol Consumption is achieved in <2 hours following consumption of 1 bottle of wine or 3 martinis.
Peak Plasma concentrations for food is acheived in 7-10 days following continuous eating and outside dining establishments.
Half-Life (the time it take to eliminate half of the drug from body) is 6-12 hours for alcohol, depending on amount consumed and never for food since Lisa's body has 100% protein binding to the hips, thighs and abdomon. This effect is know from linear & exponential distribution of fat throughout the entire body.
Primary route of elimination is renal (urine); however, there are occasional eliminations through hepatic (feces) elimination.

Drug Interactions:
Milk Based Products. It is not recommended to combine Lisa with milk based products due to possible GI disturbances that can be offending to surrounding patients.

Adverse Events:
The most common adverse event experienced when with Lisa is shock & awe, low bank account balances, and possible kidney damage from laughter.

Lisa has been known to have short bursts of aggression and violence against stupid and otherwise non-diva like substances. Does not hold grudges but will clear offending objects in a direct & firm manner via white blood cell infiltration to the site. Caution should be used.

You should not hang out with Lisa if you have a hypersensitivity to divaness.

Rare occasions of overdose with Lisa has been seen in patients who can not "shop till they drop" or with female patients who's husband can't afford or don't want their wives to participate in a Diva in Training Workshop. If overdose occurs, patient should be immediately removed from Lisa's presence or get a new man.

Lisa is indicated for numerous items that confer significant benefits. Listed are a few but she is not limited to these indications:

  • Shopping, Buying, Fashion Tips (ie. no crocheted boots at mall)
  • Hostess with the Most-est
  • Rip Roaring Fun & Laughter
  • Getting the Job Done & Stopping Global Whining

Dosing: Recommended starting dose is one day of shopping followed by tea at the Ritz per month. Increase frequency as needed (see Overdose)

How Supplied: Lisa comes in a 5'2" unique gorgeously plump body. Attempting to split the dose is not recommended. Regular maintenance (hair, nails, spa appointments) is required for maximum performance.

Pricing: Priceless.

1 comment:

  1. OMG!
    You are too funny!
    I love you, Lisa! LOL!