- If you say "You Know" over 120 times in 40 minutes during a speech, then it is time to take a Toastmaster course or something. NO, I DON'T KNOW.

- If (as a guy) you have to adjust your package every time you move - and publicly- then it is time to switch from boxers to briefs. Seriously.

- If your legs look like cottage cheese and are streaked with blue veins, then shorts really should not be an option.

- On the same lines...If the shorts you are wearing create a triangle shape (45degree angles from crotch to outside thigh) when you stand, then your shorts are too small or your too big. PICK ONE and choose slacks.

- If you are wearing a white skirt/pants, then gain an understanding that you DO NOT wear jet black or pristine white undergarments. WE CAN SEE THEM. Nude or as close to skin tone as possible works. P.S. Use a mirror.

- If you are over 21, then you should NOT be shopping in Forever21 for just about anything except a shell, tshirt or belt. It should not be your career wardrobe shopping haven.

- If you dress like a hooker, pierce your tongue or other parts of your body visible to the general public, die your hair 5 colors, tat your body where everyone can see it, then DO NOT be surprised when the majority of people make a summary judgement about you that is not favorable. I don't make the rules.

- If you walk the walk, then expect people to talk the talk...about YOU.

- If you are in the public spotlight and make politically charged statements regarding your beliefs, then have the backbone to stand your ground and defend your beliefs. They are, of course, yours, right? Crying, complaining and turning yourself into a victim for your beliefs is for pussies.

- If (as a woman) you have a good man who is "perfect" in every way but the deal breaker is you can't say his pet name during the "big finale" & you can't discuss something else you can say, then expect to be single (or not have some good sans ropas) for a long time. HUMPH. Hey Big Poppa!

- If you have been a career criminal & sociopath all of your life and your sister has had to raise almost all of your children, then don't FRIGGIN CALL ON MOTHER'S DAY SCREAMING, CURSING & CRYING cause "your" kids didn't call YOU for Mother's Day. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

If...Then... I'm just saying.