Bikram Yoga Etiquette at the MAX

Bikram's-Yoga-'Fat-Woman', originally uploaded by industrialbrand.

There are some basic rules or etiquette for everyone to follow when you are taking a Bikram Yoga (or any yoga probably) class such as be on time, don't disturb other yogi's with a lot of movement, don't leave the room, don't wear a lot of perfume etc, etc.

Those are the basics. Good to know. Respectful stuff so that everyone can enjoy the class and get the most from this torture...oh, I mean 90 min moving meditation.

However, after the class I attended last night; where there were like 48 people in a room that holds 50, there needs to be some additions. When the studio is at the MAXIMUM I'm going to need some of ya'll to go the extra mile (matter of fact - JUST DO IT ALL THE TIME - so when you come upon a maxed out class you are ready).

1. CUT THOSE FRIGGIN TALONS you call toe nails. When you are lying on your stomach with the bottom of your feet facing up to the ceiling. I SHOULD not be able to see your damn toe nails curving around to the bottom of your toes. THAT MESS LOOKED LIKE RAGGED DAGGERS and I was so afraid that you might stretch back and put my damn eye out. GROOMING, PEOPLE, GROOMING.

2. Guys...Imma need it to be a friggin requirement that you wear a gosh darn jock strap or some thing to STRAP THOSE PUPPIES DOWN. I should NOT have to be rendered blind by mister willie peeking at me everytime we bend over or whatever. NOTHING should ever pop out. Those little jogging shorts are NOT appropriate. Cinch it up.

3. When the instructor says to move slowly, together. IMMA NEED YOU TO FRIGGIN DO IT, HEAR! Stop slinging your damn sweat all over everybody. THAT IS NASTY...and I certainly can't focus, stay still or hold my pose all the while trying to fling off your damn sweat. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

4. Now you know damn well that a lot of the postures are compression postures. You are going to be squeezing your GI track to damn death. I NEED everyone to try their damndest to GO TO THE BATHROOM before class. All that damn tooting and silent but deadlies are just UNCALLED FOR. Moist, hot farts are NASTY. We are trying to breath here, people.

5. I know we are all going to sweat like a cow on fire in class. I still think it should be a requirement to FRIGGIN BATHE YO AZZ before you come to class. Once again, we are all trying to breath and breathing in your butt funk & pitt funk is just too much to bear.....and ladies - I know that yoga is all zen and ish but that hairdo you are growing out under your arms is NASTY. I'm just sayin. SHAVE - Jeeze.

I love me some Bikram Yoga. If all would just comply with some of these additional etiquette tips, I would enjoy it that much more.

I'm not saying...I'm just saying. MmmmKay.