8/22/07

A Letter to My Sister

I've been getting a lot of calls from the detention center from my sister...send me this....I need that....I need some money...blah blah blah..

Well, I was bored OUT OF MY MIND today in a training class and penned this letter to my sister....

Dear Laura,

I'm writing this letter to you because I am weary...weary form having to deal with your drama, weary from cleaning up your mess, weary from the financial burden you have put us all through...just plain weary.

You ended our last conversation with tears; crying about your lot in life; how nobody will visit you or send you money; how nobody is there for you or will help you...and I just got sick of listening to the lies, the bullsyat, the manipulation.

It is time for you to take responsibility for your life, your actions and take care of yourself. For over 20 years, you have relied on and taken advantage of your family and all the while whining about how nobody will ever help you. Let's review "the help" you haven't gotten over the past 20 years:
  • We've gotten you jobs ----- you were let go/fired/just didn't show up
  • Mom got you a scholarship and accepted to college ----you dropped out w/o ever going to a class
  • We've bought you (at least) 3 cars ----- you've destroyed/had repossessed/refused to register each one of them
  • We've given you hundreds and if not thousands of dollars ---- you've squandered, waisted, and/or more
  • We've raised your children ---- you've tried to manipulate and extort your children and family every step of the way for the privilege of caring for your offspring.
  • We've treated you life family and forgiven your transgressions time & time again----

^ You've stolen our property to sell
^ You've stolen our money & that of your own children
^ You've stolen my identity which resulted in a warrant being issued for MY arrest
for YOUR crimes
^ You've continued to lie manipulate and abuse your family while treating your
crackhead friends, trucker tricks, and toothless 60 year old boyfriend as if
they were as silver refined

Your lot in life, your circumstances are NOT the result of your families lack of support. It is entirely due to your own making...your own actions. Everything that has happened to you - YOU HAVE DONE TO YOURSELF. You chose to do everything that resulted in your current circumstance through no fault of anyone else in your family...and until we kick you out of the nest without a safety net...nothing will change.

Enough is enough. It is time for you to start handling your own business. It is time for your family to cut the strings that have bailed you out for years. It's time for you to take responsibility for your life

You are now on your own to figure out what you are going to do once you get out of jail. NO you can NOT come live with us. NO WAY, NO HOW. (NOT WITH ME, NOT WITH MOM, NOT WITH GRANDMA). You can choose to go back to the street with Clarence or you can figure out how to access the social services that we have all paid taxes for you to tap into. Find a group home, emergency housing upon release. Once done, apply for section 8, food stamps & welfare. Get a job. I don't care anymore....JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. Apply for medical assistance so you can get the medical treatment you so desperately need. Start doing the things that regular people do to live day to day. STOP making excuses and execute instead of MOOCHING & STEALING!

The only think I WILL help you do is get access to your legal documents that will be necessary to apply for benefits. That is the last thing I will do for you. I AM DONE! I am doing enough raising and/or financially supporting 3 of your 4 children. THAT'S IT. PERIOD.

Don't ask me for anything else. You've burnt this bridge and it isn't under reconstruction. I'm busy trying to raise you children and my own. I'm busy with my marriage, my home, my career, my life. I no longer have the energy or time to handle my family & life AND take care of you.

At 40 years old, it's time to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

God will bless you if you would just lean on HIM and believe. Believe that you can and that you can do all things thru Christ. He can strengthen you. The choice is yours. We love you, but will no longer be manipulated and taken advantage of by you. We will pray for you, but we will not finance or house you. We wish you the best and hope you will finally take this opportunity to turn your life around.

God Bless - Lisa

10 comments:

  1. Don't send it. Please don't send it. You can feel that way and act upon it...but don't send it.

    She's gotta have a place to be able to come when she gets her head right and the actuality of seeing this on paper will cut her so bad...she'd never come to you.

    I cut folks off without saying a word. When I see them I'm pleasant but I don't do a DAMN THING FOR GROWN AZZ PEOPLE WHO CAN DO RIGHT. Three folks have gotten their head right and have known to consider me a resource when they did. I'll help anybody helping themselves.

    It's that Southern Stuff

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lisa...I think this letter is PERFECT. It is tactful, loving, yet very much to the point. I think if you have never said these things to her that you should send it to her. It is probably going to hurt. But the TRUTH usually does. And no more than the pain that you go through and have went through agonizing over her for the last ___ years. I think it may be the catalyst that she needs to truly effect change. It may help her by actually SEEING all the help and support she has actually had (and squandered). Hopefully. I especially appreciated the fact that not only were you letting her know that you were not the person to lean on any longer...but you offered her step-by-step resources on what to do, when she gets out. That is a classy and compassionate move. Hope all goes well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The only reason not to send it would be...it's a waste of 41 cents. You know it's not going to matter anyway...she's a sociopath. It won't "cut her so bad" at all since she is incapable of feelings.

    To all who have not walked in our shoes for the last 40 years, it is so easy to say "don't do this" or "don't say that." Please come visit us...where are you when we needed a break from the incessant phone calls all hours of the nite from jail- that just for starters. Where were you when checks were stolen and $10K was written against your account?? Did you help me recover? Oh, where were you when I "just borrowed the car for two hours" but it was found by the police threee days later abandoned at a gas station? Oh, did you rent a car for me?

    I suppose we are to get an unlisted number (not! because she can get that number also) or put our valuables (credit cards, clothes, jewelry, camera,computer, etc.) in the trunk of our car; or just live like prisoners in our own home. Oh, don't try to get help, b'cause the law (due to social liberalism)is against those victimized but covets criminals!

    The only sane thing Ms. Creoleindc said was " I'll help anybody helping themselves". L. hasn't done that yet b'cause she is ENTITLED!! We don't mind helping those who try but GIVE US A BREAK!! You ARE NOT ENTITLED just b'cause you were born.!

    ReplyDelete
  4. [The only reason not to send it would be...it's a waste of 41 cents.]--Hahaaha Dang! I figured yall were sick and tired. I hope everything works out...I mean--sounds like it could be along shit...but...here's to hoping huh? :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I meant long shot!! SHOT!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous4:07 PM

    I have been there, watched my parents be there and it IS, unfortunately due to my sister. She does not understand that we have our own lives, our own dreams. Now, we are all putting our OWN lives together, after helping her, sacrificing etc., and she does not appreciate the sacrifices we have all already made on her behalf. No, our lives were not always perfect, my parents did on occassion do some things that they cannot take back, but they do NOT deserve this. I understand. Sorry for going on and on... I do understand. Standing in those shoes .... taking care of anothers kids and they never stop and consider the time you will never get back, they act like they are owed something.... I understand.

    I do not know if the letter will help her much, but maybe YOU need to get it off your chest. I tried doing that too... just got avoided for a while (her MO) and then everything went back to "normal". Take care of you and your family.

    Nikita

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! I know of folks like that.

    I can feel your pain and frustration deeply. I must say to send it will cause your sister to feel defensive and maybe even hopeless only fueling her pity party.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I still say don't send it Ms. Mom. Seriously. The message can be fully received without her reading the letter. Let's hope that somewhere inside of her she remembers all that you've done for her and gets her mind right. At least I'm going to hope for that.

    I don't know intimately what your family has dealt with but I know what I've read here. The only reason I said not to sent the letter is because I've been in the same boat with a family member who was waaaaaaay gone for so long. They went to jail, stole my checkbook, did all kinds of things that made me cut them off and when I did...I did it without another angry word because the angry words had never worked before. All I said was "I'm done." And once I said it...I was.

    Ten years later the family member finally got back right and they were embarrassed to come to me because of the things that had happened. I heard from a family member how they were turning their lives around and they got in touch with me. Our first conversation was very halting and the family member started crying. I was VERY wary and kept them at arms length for a while but let them know how proud I was they were doing so well for themselves.

    I'm proud to say this family member has been doing well for two solid years now and while I haven't let my guards down enough to fully believe I can fully trust them ever again...I am VERY glad I left the door open for them to be able to come to me when they were ready to live life responsibly and I was able to forgive them seeing that they finally...FINALLY...got it.

    That said Mrs. Mom, I meant no disrespect in my first comment nor do I mean any with this one...but this is truly something I have personal family knowledge of. I know it's difficult to be gratuitous when you're in the current throws of it. TRUST ME...I KNOW...

    I wish your family peace and blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  9. To Ms. CreoleinDC:

    I am providing you a DSM definition of a sociopath. L. is a perfect sociopath & was diagnosed at a very young age, also with ADHD tendencies when that was not a buzz word. Therefore, without a Cecile B. DeMille intervention by the Lord Jesus Christ, nothing will change.

    Profile of the Sociopath
    This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.



    Glibness and Superficial Charm


    Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.


    Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."


    Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.


    Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.


    Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.


    Incapacity for Love


    Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.


    Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.


    Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.


    Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
    Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.


    Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.


    Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
    Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.


    Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
    Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.


    Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Other Related Qualities:

    Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
    Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
    Authoritarian
    Secretive
    Paranoid
    Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
    Conventional appearance
    Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
    Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
    Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
    Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
    Incapable of real human attachment to another
    Unable to feel remorse or guilt
    Extreme narcissism and grandiose
    May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

    (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    DSM-IV Definition

    Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

    Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)

    1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
    A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
    B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
    C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
    D. Repeated assaults on others.
    E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
    F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
    G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.

    2. At least eighteen years in age.

    3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.

    4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mrs. Mom:

    I could have recited that to you verbatim as I've done my own fair share of PERSONAL research on the diagnosis.

    That said, I'm done. Again...I wish your family peace and blessings.

    Love,

    Monica Mingo

    ReplyDelete