New Rules for 2007

My mother sent me GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007 and I've reprinted some of them here with minor edits as I found them true and hilarious and MUST be implemented immediately....

New Rule 1 : No more gift registries.

You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now people use it for babies, new homes, kids birthday partyies, and graduation from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. STOP THE MADDNESS

New Rule 2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com (and let me add Linkedin and other social networking sites)

There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. I don't want to "hook up" with you...like duh...you were at my wedding 20 years ago and I am NOT interested in a little something on the side with your pot belly - looking for a job behind. PULEEESE

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. Water is dang water.

There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water, for bout the same calories. And as a side note...don't even go there with "diet" flavored water. WTF!? Water is "diet"....free of calories in of itself. Why are you paying good money for flavored diet water? Spare me.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the anal retentive spinkter muscle.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a wind up a bit too tight. What ever happened to a plain freakin' cup of coffee. Maybe a cappuccino...just a cappuccino. PULEESE.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.

If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?' And I'm speaking from corporate experience. Best to start your own business (that only people with a dumbell in their tongue will patron) cause I have never seen a walking magnet as the CEO of any company I've been a part of.