Drains, Pain & Adjusting "Your Package"

I now COMPLETELY understand why men are always adjusting their "package". I have been carrying around 2 surgical drains for the past 3 weeks in the exact same position as a man's genitals and I now understand why, on occasion, they have to "adjust" some things. Okay...for the uninformed...when you have a tummy tuck, you end up with 2-3 surgical drains that drain excess fluid from your body.

And where, as God is my witness, does a surgeon see fit to place these little jewels of medical science. Well, ladies...stand up, look down at your pubic mound and imagine 3 holes coming our of the front of your coochie. So, put your thumb on your belly button and then reach your index finger (the one right next to you thumb) to to middle of you pubic mound and that is where 2-3 drains will be coming out. LORD JESUS HAVE MERCY!

One of my 3 drains fell out at week 2 all by itself, thank the Lord. But I had the other two in for a full 2 weeks and if it was not for the Grace of God and at least half a perc every 4-6 hours, I would have simply gone insane! INSANE!

So, I got these two drains coming out the front of my coochie and I have to like get dressed, walk, sit... DO STUFF. Let me just tell you, that "package" occasionally gets in the way, falls out of place (despite serious attempts to tack, pin, tape those things down) and they just pain get situated in the wrong worst kinda way at the most inappropriate moment. You gotta "adjust your package" or I was gonna be suckin down another perc quick like. These puppies pull (they are allegedly stitched to your body) and JUST PLAIN HURT LIKE SHEEAT! That's it. PERIOD. Hand me a glass of water so I can down this pain killer...anybody got a glass of wine to go with that?

I'm walkin in the mall, trying to get a little exercise as prescribed (as well as spending some more of Ronnie Bears moola) and that tube to the drain slips in between you know where...WELL! you gotta get it outta there! You gotta adjust. So, how do you do it without anyone knowing. Well, a lady will go to the restroom and take care of her business as I did. My husband would just grab, pick, move, "ADJUST" his stuff all incongneeeeegro like...as if I didn't see you do it. WHATEVER.

But now I understand. It's a habit born of having a package attached to the front of your body for life. I just had mine for a few weeks. A man has his for LIFE. Sometimes stuff just gets in the way of daily activity and has to be "adjusted" or "moved". Ron just told me that I still don't understand the complete burden "us men carry around. And some of us are more burdened than others and it requires more adjustment." Sometimes I just want to SMACK him...but he did pay for all.

I got my drains out yesterday. They were coming out PERIOD! I told the doctor that I was on the EDGE OF SANITY! One more days with these puppies and I would absolutely SCREAM and jump off some ledge becoming the future Bionic Woman. He told me he would take them out, my numbers were good. Lay back and hold on...this may hurt. WTF?!! Well, I do what he says...he yanks em out and I don't feel a thing. THANK YOU, JESUS. Now I have to teach myself to walk again like a lady and NOT like a man with a huge PACKAGE between her legs. They say 28 days makes a habit. It will now take a month to walk with my legs closed again.

The upside...I wore a pair of jeans today that I haven't gotten into in years. Praise Jesus for blessing the hands of my surgeon. My scar will be undetectable in a few months. He really is an artist and has been blessed. My skin is still sensitive at week 4. Doc says I have about 10-15lbs of swelling to go down. REALLY!!!! He advised I not buy new clothes or alter anything until all the swelling has gone down and he won't take final pictures until 6-9 months after surgery to guarantee all swelling is gone. REALLY!!!! He finally told me the total fat removed....3 2ltr bottles of soda full of fat as an equivalent. DAMN!

Let me just say, this is not of the faint of heart. Looks easy on TV...cause they don't show you the deal during the 6 weeks in between the before and after...but it ain't. Gird your loins, be prepared for a walk with drains & pain. I still don't sleep right...and lets talk getting back on the sex wagon (AND I OH SO MISS IT) at a later date. Ron might not let me discuss the first day back to sex on a blog like it was the first day back to school. He's a closet freak and likes to keep it that way (as he reads this over my shoulder...go away).

Drop me a line if you want more info.

Thank you JESUS! I walking "package" free now!


  1. OMG! You are crazy. You know that? LOL...
    See you Thursday!

  2. well well well, that's a very interesting story. im glad that you got to experience the "adjusting" that we go through.

    now go forth and tell the rest of the female race of our plight. LOL!!!

  3. wow.. i kind of cringed reading this post. I just could not do surgery unless it was totally and absolutely required.. stitches and pain and adjusting drain packages?! you're a trooper! kudos to you.

  4. I know drains WELL! LOL! After my mastectomy I had to have them and this year...when my implant ruptured...I had to have them after the surgery. NOT FUN. Just...ugh!

    You are gonna be super DOOPER diva once this is behind you cuz you were already diva extraordinaire! LOL!