It Would Just Be Easier...

It would just be easier to deal with my sisters bullshyt if she was really a crackhead. It might explain all of the horrible, stupid, illogical mess she does and lives on a regular basis. BUT NO! She is just a plain ole SOCIOPATH. No doubt about it. As my mother has so eloquently put it...my sister has a "mangled moral compass."

 

Let us review the profile of a Sociopath and slap it up against my sisters life and see what we get...

Profile of the Sociopath

• Glibness and Superficial Charm - Yeah, that's her alright. She calls me the other day to ask if she can stay for 2-3 weeks so she can get on her feet. BOO HOO, SOB SOB. When I ask her to give me one reason why I should help her when every time I do - she screws me... She laughs, asks me if I know someone who has a basement they would rent her, and then hangs up when I say I don't.
  
• Manipulative and Conning
  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. - When I asked her (several years ago) why she would steal not only all of my money but that of her daughter too, she said "I needed it and you had it. What's the problem." DAMN.
  
• Grandiose Sense of Self
  Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." - As far as my sister is concerned. If you have "it", she is entitled to "it". It is her due for her "suffering."
  
• Pathological Lying
  Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. - NUF SAID. She can LIE LIKE A RUG. Period. The lies are so elaborate and malipulative that you don't know if you are coming or going. After 20 years of her crap, I've finally figured out that if she is talking real fast (to the point where you can barely keep up)...It's ALL a lie...just hang up.
  
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
  A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. - A police officer showed up at my house to execute a warrant for the arrest of yours truley for trafficing in drugs and prostitution. After a lengthy discussion, we realize that my sister has been using my name, address, etc as her alias. It takes a week to get the warrant reissued in my sisters name and I have to help the police hunt her down. When I asked her (while visiting her at the detention center), why would she do such a thing...are you even going to apologize, she, once again, told me that she was NOT sorry and she did and would continue to do whatever it took to survive.
  
• Shallow Emotions
  When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. - She will call at 3:00am (there is never a crisis during normal business hours) asking for me to come to the motel she lives at and bring $65 or she is going to get kicked out. Like right - the owner is even up to ask you for the money and why only $65? When I won't do it, she starts screaming in the phone that we never help her (I've just been raising 2 of her children) and hangs up. CRAZY BEEYATCH!
  
• Incapacity for Love - it just isn't there.
  
• Need for Stimulation
  Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. - If you call living in a roadside motel, hanging at the truck stop to "make some money", hanging out with actual crackheads despite being on parole as Living On The Edge - my sister is right there...and she did have a warrant out for prostitution. NUF SAID.
  
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
  Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. - Like I said earlier - MANGLED MORAL COMPASS. She is never sorry for any of the stuff she does. Actually told me that "It serves me right" for having to take custody of her latest offspring. "If I had just given her the money for the abortion when she asked for it, I would not be in this situation. WOW. If that don't beat all.
  
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
  Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. - Well, her behavior and lack of impulse control has landed her in the Maryland Correctional Institute for Women twice now...she is definitly working on getting violated back.
  
• Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
  Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. - Has been in and out of Sheppard Pratt (psycho hospital) a couple of times, barely graduated highschool by going to a special school for troubled teens, mom got her into Coppin State and she lasted 1 week.  Really could use some Lithium but refuses to take it - even when she had medical insurance.
  
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
  Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  See all the comments above. Don't count on her to do anything. Always promising to come and see her 3 year old - never shows...and it is probably best that way.
  
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
  Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. - She has had more men in her coochie than most of us even dream about. Out of 4 children that she has had, we are only sure of the paternity of 2 of the 4. At least she batting .500
  
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
  Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. - Expects me to let her move in my house and let her destroy my life so she can do whatever she wants. Over my dead body.
  
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
  Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. - Probably why she is having such a hard time getting social service benefits since she has used so many last names and identities. She barely knows who she is at any given time.

My sister is a manipulative sociopath. She will charm the pants off of you but you will not have your purse or wallet later. Trying to apply rational thinking and logic to her pathetic life only makes me crazy and exhausted. It is just so sad that I have to turn my back and walk away to stay sane. It would just make it easier it she really WAS just a crackhead.

 

A New Preamble

A couple of posts ago (see "What I Deserve"), I ranted about the concept of what we "deserve" or have a right to. I received this email today that kind of wraps up my thoughts on the matter....I didn't write it but sums it up pretty good and to the point.

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

River Hill vs Reservior High - We win Again!

River Hill wins again but it was a close one. We were up 6 to 1 and then we got a little cocky and the score was 6 to 5 at half time. OOOOH, the sweat was dripping. The team rallied to a victory 9 to 5. Whew.

I'm have also been asked to be the Team photographer. The Lacrosse Mom at work.

River Hill vs. Mt Hebron

Today was Jordan's first lacrosse game as the starting goalie on the River Hill JV Lacrosse Team. River Hill wins-HOORAH- 10-6.I'm officially a Lacrosse Mom now. I have to man the concession stand at one of the games and I purchased my car magnet, sweatshirt (I'm wearing it now), and polo shir today. Jordan thinks I'm cool and that is ALL that matters now.

Believe - A Hilarious Movie About Network Marketing

Believe - A Hilarious Movie About Network Marketing -www.believethemovie.com

Coming from someone who spent 12 years building a relatively successful Network Marketing business, this satire is some hilarious stuff. I have been laughing my but off on how close to home some of the trailers from the movie were to my actual experiences. Now understand, I'm not going to sit here and bad mouth network marketing as a whole. We had a lot of fun along the way, met a lot of interesting people and parlayed some of those relationships and the network we developed over the years into a extremely successful real estate asset and development business. As a result of "keeping our minds open" to other possibilities (we were always considered heretics), we were able to become very successful and financially well off in a way other than "the business". NO WAY, you say. I know, I know. There is not supposed to be any other way to make money and become financially free besides network marketing and if you are not "building the business" then you are a LOSER! WHATEVER! You can make a lot of money in network marketing, it is possible and I've been close enough to people who have, but - sportsfans - don't let the hype fool ya - it ain't the only way.



Ron says that someone in our upline or organization is going to read this and try to burn me at the stake. Isn't it a shame that I should have to worry about what my alledged "friends" in the business would do or say to me because I found something satirical and funny (usually there is some truth in the joke when it is really funny) about network marketing. SO BE IT. It really doesn't matter anyway because almost all of our upline stopped calling, stopped inviting us to their social events, stopped talking to us - basically stopped being friends - because we were no longer "building the business". We found out who our real friends were then. Interesting. As far as I'm concerned, the truth of the matter is that it was probably just too negative to be around us if we were not out "showing the plan" every night. Oh well, their loss. We miss ya, but life goes on and the residual check keeps coming - JUST LIKE YOU SAID IT WOULD - if we built a stable, successful business. I thought we were supposed to be able to "retire" when we wanted to? Ha, rhetoric. You really are not supposed to EVER stop. Why would you want to?



Enough of my droning on. You've got to check this site out - www.believethemovie.com - read the movie synopsis and watch the trailers for a great laugh and inside looking into the network marketing industry. I'll keep a watch out for the witch burning crew....

What is Your Hidden Talent?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.And while this may not seem big, it can be.It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

West Point Founders Day

Founders Day at West Point March 16, 1802
On March 16, 1802, Congress approved legislation establishing the United States Military Academy at West Point, one of the oldest military academies in the world. The site, on the west bank of the Hudson River 50 miles north of New York City, is the oldest continuously run military post in America.

Ron and I went to one of the Annual Founders Day Celebrations hosted by the West Point Society of Annapolis.It was one of the most BOOORING functions I have been to in a very long time. Ron and I couldn't wait till wesang the Alma Mater so we could run screaming from the building. The "key note speaker" was a Former Commadantof Cadets and he entire commentary was based on a list of talking points that he was given by the Military Academy.If he said "and the next item I'll talk about is..." I was going to throw my dinner roll at him. I woke up from mybob and travel when he started talking about how the corp of cadets was getting plenty of cultural sensitivity andawareness training by all of the workshops at the UN and 2 week trips to Europe. SPARE ME! He actually thinks thatthe corp is going to be prepared to deal with different cultures and backgroups by a field trip to the UN or anothercountry where they all look like each other? Whatever.

To top off the boring part, this $60/person celebration also had a freakin' cash bar even for a SODA! Who was on the planning comittee for this fiasco. I could have set this up at the Captial Grill and had the soda and wine inlcudedin the price. The shoved 10 people at tables that really couldn't handle more than eight and put one bottle of redand one bottle of white ...and a pitcher of water. Okay. No soda or juice and if your table wanted more wine, theanswer was no...see if you could get some from another table. WOW!

Anyway - I won't be doing that again. All dressed up for the ball and hung out there like the ugly duckling. The best part of the evening was when we sang the Alma Mater. I love that song. Here are the lyrics:

Hail, Alma Mater dear,
To us be ever near,
Help us thy motto bear
Through all the years.
Let DUTY be well performed
HONOR be e'er untarned.
COUNTRY be ever armed,
West Point by thee.

Guide us, thy sons, aright,
Teach us by day, by night,
To keep thine HONOR bright,
For thee to fight.
When we depart from thee,
Serving on land or sea,
May we still loyal be,
West Point, to thee.

And when our work is done,
Our course on earth is run,
May it be said, "Well done;
Be thou at peace."
E'er may that line of gray
Increase from day to day
Live, serve, and die, we pray,
WEST POINT, for thee.

Become an M-n-M

What type of M-n-M are you. Create your favorite candy alter ego at www.becomanmm.com

What I "Deserve"

I've been having a discussion with one of my classmates from West Point about our struggle to lose weight and what we are doing about it. My last conversation was about my alter ego - Unique-Qua - my fat Backyardigan sister-girlfriend that I am about to give the beat down of her overweight, grocery eatin' life. Like I've said before - that Beeyatch is going down. Finally!

Well, I just got a message back and it started out like this:

"First of all, change all of that negative self-talk. You are not a cow nor a Beeyatch. You are a beautiful wife,mother, daughter, friend...a beautiful you. You must remember that and remind yourself."

Yeah, Yeah. I know all of that already. Any self-respecting Diva would be absolutely convinced of her inner and outer beauty. This is where I started getting a tad irritable and even more motivated to beat that cow Unique-Quaback:

"Tell yourself over and over that you deserve to have a fit and toned body. You deserve to look fabulous in your clothes. You deserve to look as great as you really are. I tell myself I deserve to feel good in my clothes and I deserve to have a fit and toned body. If there was something I needed to do for (my husband) or the kids, I would make it happen. I am trying to understand why I am not committed to making this happen for me. I really do want to lose weight, so why am I not losing weight? One of the ladies in the office lost 23 pounds on the Body for Life program.I am inspired by her success...and a bit envious...and motivated."

Wow. This made me think for a bit. Something about it bothered me and I couldn't put my foot on it right away. Finally,it came to me- it was the DESERVED psycho-babble thing. Here is my response:

"Hey (Girlfriend),
I don't think I am being negative. Finally, I took an honest self-assessment and started holding myself accountable for what I did to myself. When you can honestly look in the mirror and say "yes, it is the fat that makes you look fat" and not blame it on your busy day, your kids, your husband, your life, then you can have a breakthrough to action. I've already wasted too much time psycho-analyzing why I am not motivated or why I am still fat (overweight-whatever you want to call it) and just accepted that I am this way cause I ate, drank, didn't exercise, and did just what I felt like.Guess what - I got just what I earned for that laziness. A BIG FREAKIN BUTT, 2 extra dress sizes and 30 lbs lumbering around my middle. I got exactly what I deserved and I finally decided to call a spade a spade. I took responsibility for my actions and now I'm going to do something about it.

I already know that I am beautiful. God didn't make a mistake. But God also gave me free will to do what I wanted with the gift He gave me and I abused it. I will not sit here and tell myself that "I deserve" to have or get anything, just cause I think I'm entitled to it by some divine right. I "DESERVE" exactly what I've got. IMHO, that mentality is exactly why people don't have the things, the job, the husband, the life, the happiness, the spirituality, the Whatever...is because we think we DESERVE it or are ENTITLED to it. I simply don't think so. If you want it then you have to EARN it, WORK for it.

• - You wish you had a bigger house like you neighbor. You think you deserve it and you ask yourself why not over and over. Have you saved for that mortgage? Have you developed a plan to get it? Are you taking steps toward getting the house you want? Or are you just waiting for it to fall in your lap cause you deserve it?
• - You sit at your desk at work and complain (you know these people) that you didn't get the promotion, it went to BobbyJo. you think you deserved that promotion. Really? Did you put in the time? Do you have the proven performance? Educational requirements? Did you do what you needed to do to get considered for the promotion or did you just think you were going to get it cause you deserved it? Interesting.
• - You dream of once again being fit, tone and phfine. Your envious of the co-worker who went out and lost 23 lbs in your face. You think you deserve the same. So what the heck are you going to do about it? Wait till that entitlement check for thinness comes in? If you want it, we gotta go get it!

The only thing I have the right to is Life, Liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness. I think pursuit is a key word. It is an action verb.I have decided that I am not happy with this weight. I've decided to give my 30 lb person hanging onto me a name an WHOOOP up on her.Unique-Qua (my round Backyardigan sister-girlfriend) IS going down. It motivates me. Gives me someone to holler at on the treadmill or in Bootcamp when I think I'm too tired. When I reach for that cookie, I can slap Unique-Qua's hand and say "Oh, Hell Naw, BEEYATCH." Beating Unique-Qua down is MY motivation and is keeping me on track.

Now, Girlfriend, you can sit around waiting for what you deserve or you can go and TAKE IT. I say stop trying to understand why and JUST Do!The devil is in the details and over analysis."

Well, that how I feel about it. That's it. PERIOD. STOP GLOBAL WHINING NOW!

My Visual DNA

This is a pretty cool personality profile test. I found it intesting. check out my profile: SALESDIVA VISUAL DNA. You take a test, and Imagini calculates your VisualDNA, and then hooks you up with like-minded users (only if you want). Use the widget Imagini provides so you can share your results on your blog or network. Please click on one of the links below to explore more..http://dna.imagini.net/friends/

The Creation of a Diva

The creation of a diva is no easy task. It requires dedication, focus and certainly money (wasted on a 3 year old). Anyway, we have started Cara's indoctrination early with an outing to the MALL...Starbucks, Nail Salon, the kid Jewelry Store, and the Merry-Go-Round.

The rules are simple:

1. START YOUNG.

2. Introduce them to the spa concept early.

3. Teach your diva apprentice how to sit quietly with your nails in "the light" so as not to ruin our polish.

4. Sitting quietly is best achieved with a Frappachino Mocha Light ONLY from Starbucks.

5. Shopping must follow immediately after with a Dora necklace, bracelet and matching purse (Heaven Forbid they don't match)

6. Daddy MUST "Sit Down" on horsey for two whirls on the Merry-Go-Round (Ron looked like someone shot him in the head as his horse went up and down and round and round).

7. Grocery Shopping can ONLY be accomplished if you have your own car.

You will know that you succeeded in you Diva Training when a new set of vocabulary words dominates vs the basic ABC's & 123's: Shopping, Amex, Nordstrom, NOW, Nails, Paint feet etc. The true test is when your budding Diva can point out the shoes she wants from the Nordstrom spring catalog. I believe I've created a monster.

Fat Chick Beat Down Update-Week 1

The initial report is at the bottom of my site. This is my update from week one of the beatdown... Stay tuned as the Fat BEEACH beatdown progresses towards the first major milestone - April 13th Bahama's Trip!

TSA RANT!

I am all for some homeland security and for creating a safe environment for traveling. I travel a lot and like knowing that I'm not going to have to be the one who jumps up from my seat and says "Let's Roll" cause I gotta take some idiot out who wants to set his freakin' shoes on fire or some crazy nonsense like that. Thank you federal government for trying to make it safe for law abiding citizens to travel. Rah Rah. Keep America Free and all that!

What I am sick and mf-in' tired of to the point that I just want to up and slap the sh*t out of somebody, is the fact that our government sees fit to hire barely high school educated, gum crackin', bad weave wearin', size 18 wearin' a size 10 women with an ATTITUDE cause their lot in life is just shitty and they don't think or won't do anything about it. What they are looking for is someone that they can terrorize in the line and try to make that persons life just as miserable as theirs. WHY THE HELL IS IT ALWAYS ME THAT GETS THIS CRAP!

I am minding my own business. REALLY! I've already learned my lesson from the time I had to go to a side room and strip down to my underwear because when they wanded me, it went off BETWEEN MY LEGS and I might have something metal shoved up there. DO I FREAKIN' LOOK LIKE A WOMAN WHO WOULD SHOVE A METAL OBJECT (maybe plastic w/batteries -but not as a storage location) IN MY COOCHIE AND GO TO THE AIRPORT! Not happening. Anyway, that is another story. Sooooo, I took off my new chain belt that I bought from Nordstroms, took off my St. John sweater, my pumps and put my computer in the damn tray like I was freakin' told. I walk forward through the scanner ONLY WHEN DIRECTED with my boarding pass in hand and the thingy still goes off. BEEEEEP! DAMN. Okay. This woman, in between crackin' her gum tells me to take my hair down. I'm thinking- have you lost your mind BEEACH! Do you know how long it took me to curl this hair and get it pinned in an up swept coif? Obviously NOT. So, here is how the conversation goes:

Lisa: "No, I don't want to do that."
Screener Idiot: "Crack, Crack - then go over there - Crack - and get wanded then."
Lisa: "Fine"
Screener Idiot - Hands on hips: "You should just take the pin out of your hair."
Lisa: "No, I'm not doing that."
Screener Idiot: "Crack - You don't be tellin me what you are and are not gonna do. You have an attitude. Go back over though the metal detector and wait for a supervisor."
Lisa: "WHAT! I'm not the one who has the attitude. You are - stop screaming at me."
Screener Idiot: "SUPERVISOR! I'm not talking to this woman anymore."
Lisa: "Fine! SUPERVISOR!"
Supervisor: "Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
Lisa: "Chris, I don't know what her problem is? I do not want to take the hair clip out and she refuses to wand me. Please tell me why it is okay for your employee to have an attitude, scream and generally treat passengers poorly."
Supervisor: "Would you mind taking off your bracelet and watch to see if that is setting off the detector and if that doesn't work we will hand wand you?"
Lisa: "That will work just fine."

I did as the non-gum crackin' supervisor with appropriately fitted clothing requested without incident. Screener idiot just scowled at me. How bad do you think I wanted to turn around and stick my tongue out at the idiot. Ha Ha. Your still a LOSER! No, I just put on my sweetest Diva B**tch smile and went to my gate.

I would like to implement a new hiring screening tool for TSA.
1. Make sure they actually have a diploma from somewhere other than the prison library.
2. They must wear clothing that doesn't cut the circulation (that is already got some blockages) off to the brain.
3. Yank on the weave. If it comes out in clumps - NO DICE.
4. BAN GUM CHEWING.
5. NO GOLD TEETH.
6. They must have a mastery of Kings English - NOT Ebonics

Okay, I have finally calmed down from my Foamy Rant. It really believe the squirrel would have a good one with this subject. Happy Travels.

Cara's 3rd Birthday Party

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to Me! It's my party and I'll get drunk if I want to!
I spent the day doing total beauty immersion - nails, spa treatments, hair appointment. Then I came home to the family and Ron ordered out Chinese food from Asean Bistro (it was very yummy) and we drank an entire bottle of Alize and Champagne. All in all a good day for someone celebrating their 21st Birthday for the 20th time.

Technical Support

I have spent all day today on the phone with Microsoft Technical Support trying to fix a problem with my upgrade to MS Office 2003. After 2 hours of playing with it, they finally had to totally uninstall the program, remove the registry and reinstall...only to totally screw up my Active Sync. It took them two hours to unistall Active Sync, download the upgrade, and reinstall it. A complete pain in the add. The attached video is from my favorite Squirrel - Foamy. This is his rant about utilizing Tech Support and is indicative of exactly what happened to me today. Check it out.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Empress Lisa the Imaginary of Lardle St Earache Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My girlfriend, Terri, found this website where you can get your Aristocratic Title. I like mine...EMPRESS LISA. As if it should be anything else.

Package Insert

I have spent the past 2 weeks studying all new products by reviewing and testing on package inserts. I'm about brain dead at this point; however, to entertain myself while sitting through another workshop, I started to think about what a package insert for Lisa would look like. Here it is:

Lisa's Package Insert

Lisa is a beautiful diva-like carbon based life form. Her chemical structure is complex and genetic code unique.
Mechanism of Action:
Lisa achieves diva status by increasing the action potential at the diva receptor sites in the brain.

Pharmacokinetics/Pharmacodynamics (Metabolism, Absorption, Distribution, Elimination):
Steady State for Alcohol Consumption is achieved in <2 hours following consumption of 1 bottle of wine or 3 martinis.
Peak Plasma concentrations for food is acheived in 7-10 days following continuous eating and outside dining establishments.
Half-Life (the time it take to eliminate half of the drug from body) is 6-12 hours for alcohol, depending on amount consumed and never for food since Lisa's body has 100% protein binding to the hips, thighs and abdomon. This effect is know from linear & exponential distribution of fat throughout the entire body.
Primary route of elimination is renal (urine); however, there are occasional eliminations through hepatic (feces) elimination.

Drug Interactions:
Milk Based Products. It is not recommended to combine Lisa with milk based products due to possible GI disturbances that can be offending to surrounding patients.

Adverse Events:
The most common adverse event experienced when with Lisa is shock & awe, low bank account balances, and possible kidney damage from laughter.

Warnings:
Lisa has been known to have short bursts of aggression and violence against stupid and otherwise non-diva like substances. Does not hold grudges but will clear offending objects in a direct & firm manner via white blood cell infiltration to the site. Caution should be used.

Contraindications:
You should not hang out with Lisa if you have a hypersensitivity to divaness.

Overdose:
Rare occasions of overdose with Lisa has been seen in patients who can not "shop till they drop" or with female patients who's husband can't afford or don't want their wives to participate in a Diva in Training Workshop. If overdose occurs, patient should be immediately removed from Lisa's presence or get a new man.

Indications:
Lisa is indicated for numerous items that confer significant benefits. Listed are a few but she is not limited to these indications:

• Shopping, Buying, Fashion Tips (ie. no crocheted boots at mall)
• Hostess with the Most-est
• Rip Roaring Fun & Laughter
• Getting the Job Done & Stopping Global Whining

Dosing: Recommended starting dose is one day of shopping followed by tea at the Ritz per month. Increase frequency as needed (see Overdose)

How Supplied: Lisa comes in a 5'2" unique gorgeously plump body. Attempting to split the dose is not recommended. Regular maintenance (hair, nails, spa appointments) is required for maximum performance.

Pricing: Priceless.

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Love Day! Nothing special happened today for me. It was another day at the job. Sat all day in a training class that we had to move from HQ to the hotel we were staying in due to the snow storm. Didn't want anyone of us crashing and burning on the Garden State.

I did get an interesting call from one of my former colleagues at the blue football today. One of the National Account Managers called to ask me about the status of Lipitor on the formulary at Johns Hopkins. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. I told him that I was no longer with Pfizer and couldn't help him. I wanted to tell him that it is now my mission in life to have Lipitor removed from every formulary associated with Johns Hopkins, but it IS the day of LOVE, so I just let him go about his merry way. Figure it out for yourself - buddy boy!

Two more day left of the training class and then I'm back home for a week. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed - Sleep Number 60 (at the moment)

Bobbing & Traveling

Well, its been a bit since I've chimed in with a daily adventure; however, I have been held captive at a training class for the last week and have to leave home to go back for another week tonight. I have finished the first week of training and while a lot of it is extremely interesting and "need to know", I have been doing the classic "bob & travel" around 2 pm each day. Perhaps its the lunch but more likely it has been some of the material. I was sure at any given minute my forehead would slam onto the desk and/or I would just bust my head on the giant 4" 3 ring binder that's open to some page describing Physiology and Normal Hemostasis - WHATEVER! Who the hell am I gonna talk to about platelet aggregation to. NOBODY. Nice to know. Not need to know. I am up to drinking about 3-4 XS energy drinks a day, trying my darndest not to eat another mf'n M&M and I still can't stay awake. I have resigned myself to standing up in the back of the class and praying that I just don't' pass out. Standing in 3" heels for an hours seems to be working thought.

I did have one extremely embarrassing but hilarious moment last week - Another Bathroom Hi jinks. I think the toilets in the women's bathroom are lower that the baby toilets at Cara's school. You practically have to do the Kimshe (sp?) squat to even get near the damn thing. Well, in a rush to get back to class after the break, I executed the ultimate hover maneuver without exactly ensuring that all clothing was out of the way of the impending stream. Well, to my horror we had a little splash area on the back of my damn BRAND NEW ST. JOHN SLACKS! SH*T!!!! Okay. What does a Diva do? I finished my business and waited till everyone had hustled back to the class. I removed the slacks, rinsed out the offending splash area, and proceed to use the hand dryer to dry my slacks. Envision this picture...I'm standing in my suit jacket, pantyhose and pumps, drying my pants by the hand dryer. THANK GOD nobody walked into the bathroom during this time. I was 15 min late getting back to class - nobody said anything and the secret is safe with you and me.

Only in my life.

Gotta get ready to catch my train back to NJ - don't ask...I don't know what exit. Somewhere near Newark.

No Lisa, It's the Fat that Makes You Look Fat

At what point do you realize that you really ARE FAT? Is it when you get on the scale and the dial almost does a complete 360? Is it when you look down and you can't see your toes because you stomach is in the way? Is it when you also realize you can't see you coochie without moving that stomach ball out of the way? Is it when you notice that you have BACK FAT. Did you even realize that there is such a thing?

I'll tell you what broke the FAT LISA STRAW! I'm trying to pull together a week of outfits to go to my training class and several signs hit me like a ton of bricks:

• I decided to weigh myself - THE HORROR, THE HORROR - 183 - F**K
• I decided it would be best to try on what I'm planning on taking. Wouldn't want to find out that you outfit doesn't fit when you in a hotel room. PITIFUL, SAD
• After the first couple of - Well, Damn, that's too tight! - I decided to try on all of my clothes and set the ones that didn't fit anymore in a separate part of my closet. Why is this section getting so large?

Well, after it was all said and done, I am looking at over $3,000 worth of clothing - beautiful suits & dresses - that I can't wear without looking like a stuck pig. That made me snap. The FAT GIRL IS GOING DOWN! I'M TAKING THAT BEEACH OUT. I'll be damn if my 20th Anniversay and 20th Class Reunion is celebrated as a FAT FREAKIN' DIVA.

To parapharase Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind - As God is my witness, I'll never be [FAT] again.

I may be hungry, but so be it. This Diva is takin' the COW out!

Just Press the Easy Button

Just when I thought I was going to blow my brains out from just DAY 1 of home study, I receive a box from my girlfriend Terri and it had just the right thing in it to save me from redecorating my office with brain matter...I got an Easy Button. What a difference it makes! The commercial is right on with this one. One minute I'm sitting there at my desk reading another package insert, contemplating the best angle to guarantee immediate, yet final carnage when I decide to check the mail as a temporary diversion. Low and behold - an Easy Button! Well, that should take care of all my problems.

Back at my desk, I place my Easy Button in front of the computer monitor, log in to the exam website, and press the button - "That's Easy" it says. Okay. I start taking the exam. Why am I fussing over this thing. I was just told it was easy and the damn test is open book. I get through an exam that says will take 1 hour and 30 minutes in under 40 minutes. WHAM! I got a 97. WOO HOO. I press the button again - "That's Easy!"

If you don't have one - you gotta get one. Look Ma - no hands. "That's Easy"

Thank You Terri for the wonderful and fun gift. You made my day.

4 Days Old

So, I'm now a 4 day old baby at Schering-Plough and my brain is looking like that commercial - "This is your brain...This is your brain on drugs." Here it is for your review...


Hell, I feel like the information came straight through a fire hose. But it is all good. I haven't had this much fun and enjoyed myself at work (as well as the people around me) IN FOREVER! I have met and will be working with some of the brightest, interesting, and fun people. Just in my group we have

• A physician who still holds an academic position in TX
• An RN who lived in Saudia Arabia with her husband who was a pilot for a Saudi prince and she also taught Business English in Thailand
• A woman who was in hospital sales for 21 years with the same company before they gave her the "bend over and take it dry treatment"
• MBA's, PhD's, Black Belts, 45 year old snowboarders and a woman who rescues Boxers (Terri - I thought you would love this woman)
• And then there is just ordinary ME!

I know these things have nothing to do with work but they are some of the most interesting people that I've met in a long time. Most of the people I was working with at Pfizer were brain dead and/or useless, self-serving, backstabbing, CYA-ers. It was so refreshing. Even more interesting were the Regional & National Directors that were SOOOOO young. I looked at one of the National Directors for Hospital Systems and thought he looked right out of college. It was nice to see young people in leadership positions. One drawback is that Schering is pretty Lilly white - at least at the Managers Meeting. I was sitting in the room with our group and was wondering if anybody else noticed that I was the only "Colored Girl" in the room. I don't think so. We went to a Hospital Division Meeting and out of approximately 85 in the room - only two. Not much different from Pfizer in that respect.

I have a week of home training (while they finish getting us on payroll and "on-boarded") and then off to formal training the 1st two weeks in February. Gotta mail my Separation Information in and call HR to tell them I'll be official next week with another company and SEND ME MY DAMN CHECK. I don't want to hear that bullsh*$ that the check is in the mail. FEDEX it damn it. They use FedEx for everything else. Oops. I digress.

Let me share with everyone so more travel drama that only can happen to The DIVA....I'm on the plane from LAX to Denver minding my own business when this homely lady sits down next to me and VIOLATED A TRAVEL RULE!!!! - DON'T BRING SMELLY FOOD ON THE PLANE. For cryin' out loud woman - did you have to get the sandwich that was mostly made of onions and some spicy smelling dressing. JESUS, please. She proceed to consume the thing before takeoff and I wanted to say so bad "If you don't shut the lid on that thing, I'm gonna hurl all over it and in your lap." This time I just turned to the windowand practically press my face up against it in hopes that some fresh air is coming thru the cracks. She didn't get the hint when I turned on all the air vents above us - just looked at me puzzled with her mouth full. STOP the MADNESS. So, I managed to doze off and we arrive in Denver (the plan is not delayed - YEAH) and I hustle to the bathroom. I pick the large stall since I have my industrial size Franklin Planner Purse/Luggage and a carry-on. I get everything situated in the stall and proceed with the hover maneuver -

• engage thigh muscles, assume the squat position
• look down and make sure you got the right angle (don't want to miss and hit your shoes)
• hold your undies out of the way (you can't pull 'em all the way down, I don't know where the floor has been- and you don't want to miss on those either)
• proceed with the extraction of fluids

Just as I was about to let the fluid go, this lady practically kicks in the door to my stall and stands there. She had to go BAD and was now in a quandary. I look up, startled yet calm, and say "can you give me a minute?" She backs out of the stall (leaving the door open - it's really tough when your in hover position to also close the door without starting again) and goes her merry way to another stall. No apology. No nothing. What is a Diva to do? I manage to recover and we board the plane to BWI. Once again, I am in the middle seat of the last row of the plane. I've got my NON-OFFENSIVE plain garden salad and water in my lap, trying to mediate and calm my nerves since I'm not in 1st Class and I don't have $5 dollars to buy a drink. I look up and there is this young girl with a 8 month old baby who is going to sit right next to me. OH LORD, PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW! We start the take-off and what does this baby do? SCREAM at the top of her cute little lungs for the next hour. At this point, I'm practically hyperventilating - trying to drum up some empathy again - and its not working. I snatch my iPod headset out of my purse and turn the volume up so high that I was sure my eardrums were gonna explode. At least I could not hear the screaming. I would have KILLED someone for a pair of Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones. Travel Tip: Don't leave home without them.

I'm back home safe and sound and trudging through 100 emails and snail mail. Whew!

Delayed

BWI airport on a Sunday evening for a flight to LAX to gein my new journey at Schering. At least to attend the National Managers Meeting even though I'm not officially in the system (rather - on payroll) yet. They are still waiting for my DD 214 to clear the military and for me to hand over my passport for inspection. For crying out loud people, really, I am who I said I was and did what I said I've done. I really AM beautiful but could KILL you. PROMISE. Anyway, Ron drops me off at the airpot at 5 pm for my 6:30 flight, I get in the check in line and what is flashing on the screen: DELAYED until 9:30 pm. That mean waiting 3 hours in the airport for my flight to leave. This is a great beginning to my new job. Gonna miss that dinner in LA. I get down to my gate and there are no seats - the Chicago flight is delayed and everyone is watching the Chicago and whoever game on TV in the bar. I sucked it up and spent 7000 United frequent flyer miles for a day pass in the United Airline Club (forgot what they call it)

So I hang out, play on the computer, watch the game (kinda), eat the free snacks, drink the free soda and wait for the plane. It arrives at 9:20 (so much for the 9:30 take off) and we hustle onto the plane. IT IS PACKED. Not an empty seat and I get the window seat in the last row of the plane. HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY. I hunker down for some shut eye, wake up for the food I had to buy, try and watch the movie (All The Kings Men) which was just WAY to heavy of material for a plane flight, fell asleep again and woke up just in time for the last hour of intense turbulance as we make our approach to LA.

In the row across from us, I notice that the middle girl pulls out the airsick back and I immediatly have flash backs to my recent airsick incident (AKA - my exocist moment). She managed to warn everyone in the last row that if the plane does not immediately land or stop shaking - she's gonna blow. Just at the pilot makes a nose dive for the deck, she BLOWS. Oh Man! You just never get used to that sound. I mustered all the empathy I could, put back on my iPod despite the NO TECHNOLOGY WARNING (and the plane did not crash) and looked out the window.

We landed at LAX at 12:30 am West Coast Time (3:30 am EC), it took an hour for the luggage to get the belt, 30 min to get the the hotel. I finally put my head down at 2:30 am with a wake up call for 6:00am. Thank God for a Heavenly Bed.

I've gotta run for a group dinner, but I'll be back with some observations of Day 1 & 2 on the newly re-employed diva.

Random Musings

Possession is 9/10th of the Law -

Well we went to court this week to finalize the guardianship of Cara and of course the judge awarded full guardianship. Who wouldn't? Lap of Luxury vs. Cedar Lane Motel. Private School Education vs. Tough Streets Academy. What that means; however, is that I've got 16 MORE YEARS with another rug rat. Just when I thought I was done. Erin is up an out. Jordan has 3 more years and then Ron and I were on the fast track of empty nesting. WOO HOO! Not so fast, says the spider to the fly. So, here we are at 41 years old having to repurchase car seats, diaper bags, sippy cups and the like. NO JUSTICE - NO PEACE...and my criminal, sociopathic sister just thinks that having babies for someone else to care for is just the way it is.

I can bitch and moan about it or I can just get on with it and make that diaper bag a Gucci one. I shall continue to be relentless and let no obstacle or setback get in the way of a noteworth goal - nails, shopping, hair, spa.

Nervous Breakdown-The Diva Way

On Wednesday, right after court, I get a call from my soon to be new boss saying that they are going to provisionally okay my "onboarding" with Schering since the Army need 6-8 weeks to verify my DD214. I suppose that is reasonable, since they are a little tied up with selecting 20K more troops to go to Iraq. Since I managed to pass all other checks: credit, medical, background - they figured I will probably check out okay. The Army probably needs the time to see if they need a fat 40 year old to do a stint over in Iraq and if there is anyway they can reinstate me. HA! If that happens, you best get on your knees and start praying. They day they need a plump diva to defend the country is a definite sign we are in BIG TROUBLE.

Once the "onboarding" decision is made, it was a whirlwind of phone calls, forms and faxes in order to get me ready to go to a National Managers Meeting as my first day of work. Enterprise Rental until my company car is delivered, arranging delivery of my 2007 Ford 500, New computer, voice mail, direct deposit, employee number, corporate travel arrangements AND BY GOD - what in the world am I gonna wear to this meeting since I'm still plump. To top it off, we had a 8am Teleconference to go over some minute details and to discuss our 15 minute presentation on "Who You Are." I do not have time to censor myself. I start getting really agitated, breathing all hard and what not and in the middle of the kitchen start screaming about how I think this going back to work thing is a BIG mistake. WORK is a four letter word. Do I really want to do this? NO. Could we use the money? SORTA. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.

Ron, once again, tries to solve my latest emotional crisis with words of wisdom from some book and if laser beams really came out of my eyes, he would have been a bloody mess. Why can't he just be quite at these moments and let me rant and rave for about 5 minutes, get it out of my system and after its all over, just say "I understand." NOOOOOOO. I gotta get a message from the Tony Robbins wanna be. You gotta love him for trying.

This video below (stole the idea from my girlfriend's blog) pretty much sums up what I feel: Despite all the drama...

I'm Gonna Make it After All

There are Vagrants Everywhere...

...and other Lisaness Travel Incidents:

There are Vagrants Everywhere...
Sometimes when I out on my adventures, I tend to get oblivious to my safety surroundings and just wander with this attitude of awe and wonder and a bit of "What? I don't belong here? Why?" That bit of I can go anywhere I want, touch anything I want, do anything I want where ever I go, tends to get me in a bit of trouble (on occasion). Luckily, I rarely travel alone which is usually how I get saved from myself. One evening after dinner in Dominica, I decided I wanted to go for a walk in the opposite direction of town (since I've been there done that) and perhaps get a close look of the shore line under the mountains. We are walking along and are beginning to get in this residential district when we are stopped by one of the locals. He asks in a very kind, gentle manner - "Where are you trying to go to?" The conversation goes like this:
Lisa: "Oh, we are just walking and looking around."
Local: "Well, miss, you really would have a better time in town, see the shops, the bay."
Lisa: "I've already see all that, I want to go this way" Pointing down the road
Local: "Pretty Lady, you really want to go in town."
Ron: "Yeah, Lisa, lets go back in town."
Lisa, pouting: "I've already been there."
Local: Sir, there are vagrants everywhere."
Ron, guiding me back up the hill: "Thanks for the time man."
Lisa, pouting again: "Okay, but I'm really disappointed."

We relate this story to our host later that evening and he tells me that I just have a sign on my back saying "Rob me, please." What do I know.

Shock & Awe..(or maybe just downright disgust)
Monday afternoon, after getting back from my hike, Ron and I go back into town to pick up a few souvenirs. We are standing at this craft booth (AKA: tourist trap) looking at this cute little dress made in China but "from Dominica" when a homeless man with no legs in a wheel chair, wheels up behind me and starts saying something in Franglish. When he doesn't capture my attention, he rears up on his stumps, whip out his wee-wee and proceeds to piss in my general direction. Ron has to snatch me out of the back splash area. It was unbelievable. After he waters down an entire block of the street (I didn't know that such a small instrument could produce so much pee), he says to me "Lady, give me" GIVE YOU WHAT? You piss in my general direction, almost splash my bare skin (the very thought make me want to hurl) with local pee AND you want me to give you something. WOW!

Travel Dont's That Everyone Should Adopt:
1. Body Odor. You should always travel with your armpits enclosed in a shirt, no matter how hot it is. Especially me. NOBODY wants a birds eye view of a man's hairy armpits when putting your luggage in the overhead bin - EVER. It's disgusting and no matter how much deodorant you put on, that hair abomination is going to smell after a few hours of air travel.
2. Personal space - don't violate it. DON'T lean over into my seat. DON'T try to look out my window from the aisle seat. DON'T fall asleep on me - my shoulder is not your pillow unless you are married to me and then I'll have to think about it. Short, small bursts of conversation - me and my book, iPod, video machine are going to become one - I don't want to chit chat the entire trip. There's more personal space violations but this could go on forever.
3. Eating - Don't smack your gum on the plane, don't suck your teeth (Ron does it and it drives me insane). Don't bring smelly food (tuna fish sandwich, Chinese food, the local delicacy - spices and all) on the plane - unless of course you would like for me to use the airsick back and pass it your way. DO bring gum - YES your breath stinks after eating a bag of Doritos and falling asleep.

These are just a few violations I've experienced on my recent trip. I keep you posted on other Travel Violations as the year progresses. We are hanging out in the Puerto Rico airport waiting for our connection. Check ya later.

Middleham Falls Hike-Dominica

Today I took a hike up to Middleham Falls. It was beautiful. I'm just tuckered out so enjoy the pictures.

Lazy Sunday in Dominica

It was a beautiful Sunday. We went to a Methodist Church for Sunday Service. It was very nice; however, I did not know how rigid and ritualistic a Methodist Church could be compare to how I'm used to worshiping. Just as an example, here is an excerpt from the preface of The Prayer Book of the Methodist Church...

..."for use in the Methodist Church in the Caribbean & the Americas will hopefully help to arrest current tendencies toward disorder in Methodist worship. It will please God, restore the proper balance between joyful spontaneity and holy decorum which was once the hallmark on piety among people called Methodists."

So there you have it. Whatever...it was a nice service, but it wouldn't become my Church home. Also, there was a bug problem. The church had cockroaches SOOOOO big that I was sure the antenna's on the damn thing could tune into XM satellite radio. I swore I heard XM Comedy Central tuning in.

I then went to lunch with Ron and his business partners and after lunch we changed clothes and embarked on a tour of the island. If you think driving in a NYC taxi cab is a harrowing experience, then try driving with someone from the island on one of these mountain roads. It was the longest and scariest roller coaster ride I have ever been on. My life flashed before my eyes on numerous occasions and I thought for sure that we were going to take out any number of indigenous life forms. You could here me yelling at Ellerton - "Chicken!" "Oh, my God - Goat"!, "Watch out, Person!", "Damn, you almost hit that dog". He just laughed, dodged and weaved, honked his horn and kept on going.

We were slowed down on our journey when we caught up to the local jungle Ice Cream Man. Go figure. Guess ya gotta have some Good Humor Ice Cream where ever you are in the world.

We went to visit the Carib Indian Reservation. Descendants of the original Island Cribs live on 3,700 acres in the Carib Territory. Dominica is one of the few places where these Indigenous people have survived. Apparently, Dominica was the last island to be colonized because the Carib "kicked butt" and beat invaders back on a regular basis. Did you know that the movie "Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest" was filmed here? Well now you do.

We stopped along the way to look at some of the local art work and crafts. They make wonderful baskets and I picked up two.

Unbeknownst to me, we were also on our way to pick up the site planners from the airport and I got a tad bit bummed. I did not want to wait at the airport for more of Ron business. I realized that I should have made plans for myself, because now the day was getting away from me and I was going to have to spend the rest of it waiting in the airport. Not my idea of a relaxing getaway. Ron picked up on my frustration and arranged for a cab back to the hotel - which would take 45 min. We arrived back at the hotel just in time to watch the sunset and a cruise ship pull out of the berth right outside our hotel.

Tomorrow, I'm off on my own while Ron and his partner make presentations to various government officials. I'm going on a hike to Middleham Falls and perhaps throw in massage.

Ovwa (Antillean Creole for - Goodbye). At least until tomorrow or so.

Cooties in the Carribean

The Steptoe's just can't go anywhere without drama tagging along for the ride.

We leave for a trip (business for Ron, relaxation for me) to the island of Dominica on Friday morning and it seems like this is going to an uneventful trip. However, about an hour into the flight to Puerto Rico, I started experiencing a little GI disturbance. Of course, the woman sitting next to me was like a bag lady for San Juan. She didn't put any of her gear in the overhead compartment, so she was in her seat with a heavy coat on her lap, a backpack under her feet, a purse under MY chair, a soda and cup in her hands. GET UP NOW! I thought I was going to die waiting for her to get situated again so I could be ill in the privacy of an airplane bathroom. Just when I thought Ron would send the flight attendant to rescue me, I emerged feeling queasy and looking like Casper. Although I'm not Catholic, I spent the rest of the time rocking back and forth saying a few rosaries and Hail Mary's - it worked for my girlfriend Terri when I tortured her at a Spin Class.

We landed in Puerto Rico and I felt like death warmed over. Having some foresight, I took a couple of airsick bags with me off the plane - just in case. I just didn't feel right. I stumbled off the plan and trailed behind Ron who was making haste for the Admirals Club in hopes of getting some help for me. Just outside the Admirals club, I started breaking out in a perfuse sweat - the know precursor to hurling - and loose my cookies. It was DEFINITELY NOT a Diva Moment. I did the best I could to maintain Diva Dignity with not a drop missing the airsick bag or getting on anything else. I did all of this wearing 3" heels and a dress. Ron was kind enough - or understood that this was not a proud Diva Moment - to shield e from the eyes of other travelers as I lean against the wall and hurl into a white bag. Spare me, Oh Lord. Once the main event had passed, he hustled me into the Admirals Club, where everyone was very kind and helpful. The bar tender assured me that the "tummy tody" he would make me would make me right as rain. What the hell did he know. It was kinda gross tasting but I did feel a little better. It was not to last. They even brought me a wheel chair to take me to our connecting gate. Turns out that chair was a blessing in disguise as it was a damn long way to gate 1. Whew!

We boarded the plan to Dominica and I resumed my praying. Hail Mary, Mother of God...I don't know the rest so I just reverted back to...Lord Jesus hear my prayers. I was hoping the direct line to God would work. God was busy at the time with more pressing matters - world hunger, war, Darfur - stuff like that - He'd get back to me real soon, so two hours and two more airsick bags later, we finally landed. KILL ME NOW! Well, it's over, RIGHT? What more could happen to us/me. Why haven't I learned NOT to ask that question.

We get the rental car an due to my barely settled stomach, decide to take the scenic (long) route to the hotel vs. going overland thru/over mountains on unpaved roads. Thus we make our way around the entire island, driving like a bat out of hell when all of sudden we gt a flat tire. You've got to be kidding. Lisa, your not in Kansas anymore.

We get our flat tire out in the middle of nowhere, with just 2 cynderblock shacks up on the hill, blasting explicit rap music. It was surreal. Some guy come out of the jungle (you can't really call it woods) and offer to help. Ron jumps at the chance for help cause he didn't want to get dirty and asks our host, Ellerton how much we should give him. $50? Ellerton tells Ron he's crazy and for $10, Ellerton would do it himself. The rasta guy gets the donut on and Ron gives him $20. Anything was worth it to Ron as long as he didn't have to do any manual labor. While I am waiting for the tire to be changed and our replacement care to arrive, I watch a couple of the locals come out of the cynderblock houses.

One guy scooped up a dead cat and threw it into the jungle. Okay. Then two others went out to mess with a dog they had chained up in the yard. The dog was just trying to eat and they were antagonizing it. I was like "HEY, STOP IT." They ignored me and continue hitting at the dog. Finally, I said to the dog "BITE EM." Ron looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me to leave the natives alone before I end up like the cat - thrown in the jungle. Wow. We get the tire changed and just hang on the side of the road waiting for another car, when a taxi van pulls up. Out jumps this guy that had to be 3 sheet to the wind drunk and carrying a beer in his hands. He taunted us about needing a ride and that "it don't look like you got much choice" Hell no! I'd rather sit here with the dog and cat torturers then get in the cab with a drunk guy on these roads. Ten minutes later, the car arrives and we are back on our way. It was allegedly a very beautiful ride and awesome sunset. I missed it all - I passed out in a sick stupor and woke up only when we pulled up to the hotel.

We arrive at the hotel at 7pm. A total agonizing travel time of 14 hours. We got settled in the hotel which is very nice, ordered some soup from room service and passed out, praying that tomorrow would be a better day.

Woke up feeling like myself again and now we are off and running to a breakfast business meeting and a tour of the island and land site where the resort will be built. Stay tuned for more adventures - DRAMA IN DOMINICA.

Repo'd - The Pfizer Way

The past two days have been a whirlwind of repossessions. Computer, SecurID, Corporate Amex, Corporate ID badge, Infocus machine, CAR, etc. etc. I suppose this means that I am officially a Pfizer has-been if I have had all of my official equipment repossessed - uh, I mean collected. Pfizer, in their infinite wisdom, decided that it would be too stressful and would distract from the mission of acheiving 23.9 Billion again in 2007 (23.9, 24/7) if they had the retained managers check out the kicked to the curb managers. Whatever. Pfizer hired a couple of differend companies and subcontracted the dirty work out...so, this rather nice lady comes over yesterday to collect all of my permanent equipment (computer, printer, IPAQ, ID cards, Amex). She was very quiet and polite and touched everything as if it was made of gold OR as if I would smack her silly if she messed up anything. She did her deed, made me sign a million copies of stuff, and carried it all out to her car herself...as if I was going to help her. I did open the door.

Tonight, a really gregarious guy with a tow truck pulls up to the house, stands in the middle of the driveway and says "Wow, this place is like a castle. My apartment would fit in one of your garages. Doesn't look like this layoff is hurting you much." and then proceed to jack my Chrysler Concord Company Car onto the tow truck. "No need to sign anything, ma'am. Have a great night."

And there you have it. I have so much space in my office now I'm thinking of redecorating - well, at least putting some paint on the walls. We will see. We have our "Official Notification" conference call on the 17th. Stay tuned.

The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem

I always get a kick out of reading this poem - especially lately in light of Pharmageddon at Pfizer...

I Love My Job!

I love my job. I love the pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss, he is the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location. I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though it won't care.

I love each program and every file, I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.

I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.

I love this work. I love these chores.

I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job- I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!!

The Death of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain
• Why the early bird gets the worm
• Life isn't always fair and;
• Maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Just some food for thought.

moc-news WHERE ARE THE DIVERSE CANDIDATES

   Black Knights,

        I just walked in the door, coming home from an evening of interviewing candidates for a nomination to one of the service academies for Congressman Elijah Cummings. I just don't think I can do justice to expressing my sheer disgust and disappointment in the fact that out of 12 candidates from District 7 that we interviewed tonight (..and the 10 more I have to go thru on Saturday), than NOT ONE from Baltimore, District 7 was a diverse candidate.  I sat there tonight, interviewing kids who were mostly ambivalent about going to an academy, had no idea what they wanted to do after they graduated....

• "I want to focus on business/economics." What kind of freakin' answer is that?
• "My first choice and only choice is the Naval Academy and I want to go special forces." Did you know that the Navy doesn't have a Special Forces?

 had no plan B, where not interested in anything else but one Academy or even thought of ROTC.  All of these kids were bright, good grades, above avg SAT scores, but only 1 or 2 made you go WOW. WHERE ARE THE DIVERSE CANDIDATES?!!!! There have got to be some diverse kids (I don't care if they are Native American, Black, Asian, WHATEVER!) Where are they? Why are we not attracting these kids?

You know who's fault it is? It's partly our collective fault - EACH ONE GET ONE!!!! It's partly WP fault - obviously we are doing a DISMAL job of advertising and getting the word out in the communities where the MAJORITY of our soldiers come from. It's partly the Dept of Admissions fault - why did Congressman Cummings staffer tell me that they could only get someone from NAVY to do their school visits. NO ONE from WooPoo came to any of the schools in his district last year.  We have got to beat the bushes; we must start grassroots; and we need MORE PEOPLE doing it. 

I will continue to do my part - whatever it takes and I've committed to Congressman Cummings to help him with his school visits if Ron and I have to go ourselves. I ask everyone else to reach out to Admissions and Project Outreach and put these guys to work. Force the Academy to increase the budget so they can go more places or if you have money that you are giving to the Academy, don't let it go into the general fund - DESIGNATE it for Project Outreach. I don't know if that is even possible, but its worth a try. The Academy won't change unless we scream loud enough with some dollars to back it up.

Okay, I had my hissy fit. You can blast me if you'd like, I've ranted on with my .02, so bring it on.

Thank You for letting me get off a little steam.

Go Army,

Lisa Steptoe, '87

Chair, Communications Committee

AOG Diversity Leadership Council

www.theblackknights.org

CHECK OUT RECENT CAREER POSTINGS http://www.theblackknights.org/careers_employers.html

 

 

 

 

A Tribute to My Friend

My best friend in the whole world lost her husband to cancer on New Years Day. My heart just breaks for her loss. I know how much Floyd loved Pattey - it is so wonderful to be married to your best friend. I just can't even imagine losing Ron - who else in the world would love me the way that he does. I am unable to be with my friend at this moment, so I put together this video slide show as my tribute to Floyd and out of love my my best friend Pattey.
The eyes are on the sparrow...